hospital administrators
8.8K Shares

NEW YORK, NY – In an interview with the New England Journal of Administration (NEJA), hospital administrator Jason Wilcox stated his vision for the hospital of the future, stating that the ideal hospital would have 10,000 beds, 10,000 administrators, and maybe a few medical people too, depending on the budget that upcoming fiscal year.

hospital administrators“Everyone knows that the key to providing high-quality care to our patients is by having more hospital administrators,” said Wilcox.

According to Wilcox, the ideal hospital would have enough beds to thrive financially; 10,000 beds would be the minimum number, though 20,000 beds is not outside the realm of possibility.  To ensure maximal quality, his ideal hospital would have a 1:1 ratio of administrators to patients for a total of 10,000 hospital administrators.

“The key to cost-savings is in trimming the fat,” explained Wilcox, while sipping on a coffee mug made out of gold.  “How do we trim the fat?  Get rid of nurses, doctors, nurse practitioners, physician assistants, social workers, techs, physical therapists, occupational therapists, nutritionists, pharmacists, and so on.”  In Wilcox’s model known as the Superb Hospital of Ideal Things (SHIT), 1 nurse, 1 doctor, and 1 social worker “should be plenty” to staff a hospital with 10,000 patients.

GomerBlog asked Wilcox if he was worried about burnout.

“Of course, I’m worried about burnout,” said Wilcox, as he got his shoes shined by a fleet of laid off health care practitioners.  “That’s why we want to have more administrators, so that we can thrive and continue to administrate the hell out of this place.”

Wilcox believes a true golden age of medicine is on the horizon so it is in the best interest of health care practitioners to let go and let administrators do their thing.

“They say we’re at a disadvantage because we know nothing about medicine,” said Wilcox, defending fellow hospital administrators.  “Let me say this: medicine is practiced in a hospital and I run that hospital.   So suck it.”

Wilcox believes there are ways to save besides cutting essential health care staff.  Ideas include replacing electricity with candles; substituting soap, water, and alcohol-based sanitizers with pestilence and disease; removing electronic medical records and paper charts in favor of stone and chisel or feather pens and scrolls; and possibly tearing down the hospital entirely and just providing care in open parking lots naked, thereby saving on hospital gowns, scrubs, and white coats.

8.8K Shares

Tags:

  • Show Comments

  • Andrea WM

    “So suck it.” That sounds about right.

  • Ali Anne

    hahahaaaaaaaaaaa!

  • William Puffinbarger

    like the VA!!

  • Sofia Taboada

    This is the most awesome article you’ve published thus far… :)

  • Eric P Jeanise

    Isn’t that HCA?

  • Don Juan

    Lindsey Burrell

  • Stephen Bailey

    Let’s be real. There should be half of that many administrators, the other half need to be replaced with press ganey associates or “patient” fluffers. Remember it’s all about the press ganey!!! Morbidity and mortality….. What’s that???

  • Tommy Gallagher

    Why I left medicine

  • Melinda Cash

    I have snorted over this all night. I love it. So very very very true.

  • Mary Dunlavy

    Nathan Thordarson

  • Marci Delaney

    Sandra Falwell insert tongue in cheek here:

  • Melvin Gindt

    Who is Katherine Melvin Jeanette?

  • Kimberly Raines

    I am living the dream! :(

  • Alicia Brink

    Will need at least 20,000 to administer the patient satisfaction scores.

  • Teresa Phelan

    Lou Redknap !!

  • Monica McKnight

    lmao SHIT I love it

  • John Hurley

    When you’re a bean counter, all you see are beans…..

  • Cricket Adriana

    Holy $#!+

  • Cricket Adriana

    “Let me say this: medicine is practiced in a hospital and I run that hospital. So suck it.”

    I AM DEAD.

  • Evan Beavers

    They’ll need a few “Bobs” as well for good measure!

  • Jessica Brown

    Eric Bovey

  • Mike Annecchino

    Lol SHIT

  • Adrian Miclea

    But who will they nag and hover over and second guess?

  • Justin Hamlin

    This would be satire, if it weren’t absolutely true. :

  • Wanda Gonzalez

    Or sick leave….

  • Rib Pfau

    Sometimes I think I already work here…..

  • Cindy Mitchell

    And then let’s make sure all the patients complain about how rich the one doctor is and how he only cares about all the money he makes while he runs from room to room seeing all 10,000 patients by himself. And then let’s fire that doctor for poor patient satisfaction scores.

  • M Hamilton Love

    Tracey Kuhn, and definitely no nurses. We are useless.

  • Joanna Sprague

    And 1 aide and 2 nurses right?

  • Bobbie Finn Schneller

    The ratio seems a touch low… 2:1 might be better

  • Bekkah Anderson

    Have to plan for their golf days.

  • Natasha Adams

    Katherine Melvin Jeanette

  • Jennifer Camden

    Sounds good as long as they’re handling the patient care.

  • Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    And they can hire some consultants to do studies about how to “improve the process” and “do more with less” on the off chance this doesn’t work out. YES!!! Administrate the hell out of it, baby! Patent outcomes? Psh!! Dead people are ALWAYS satisfied, and in the end, that’s what really counts. ;-)

  • ScotandLorinda Stahley

    Stupid

  • ScotandLorinda Stahley

    Stupid

  • Dewey Whitecotton

    I’m sure you they would not let you say Chiefs and Indians. However I agree with you. LOL

  • Dewey Whitecotton

    I’m sure you they would not let you say Chiefs and Indians. However I agree with you. LOL

  • Mark Vadney

    A pure Utopia, how can we fix what is wrong with healthcare, if we don’t have more administrators to tell us we are doing it wrong. I think a plan should be immediately implemented to fly our administrators to Las Vegas and Boca Raton on fact finding missions to visit other administrators and pay them to come to our hospital and tell us why their new program will help us succeed with identifying the ways to improve satisfaction scores without actually improving anything.

    The new catchy ways promoting hospitals that have absolutely nothing to do with patient care is the next big thing. The newest training seminars that are being mandated for all staff is the DEATH ( Downplay Education And Teach Hackneyed) So with administrations help DEATH will be coming to your hospital.

  • Mark Vadney

    A pure Utopia, how can we fix what is wrong with healthcare, if we don’t have more administrators to tell us we are doing it wrong. I think a plan should be immediately implemented to fly our administrators to Las Vegas and Boca Raton on fact finding missions to visit other administrators and pay them to come to our hospital and tell us why their new program will help us succeed with identifying the ways to improve satisfaction scores without actually improving anything.

    The new catchy ways promoting hospitals that have absolutely nothing to do with patient care is the next big thing. The newest training seminars that are being mandated for all staff is the DEATH ( Downplay Education And Teach Hackneyed) So with administrations help DEATH will be coming to your hospital.

  • Shannon Lamb

    Had never heard of this site till I saw your posts on it. It’s hilarious. The Internet version of house of God. Love it.

  • Shannon Lamb

    Had never heard of this site till I saw your posts on it. It’s hilarious. The Internet version of house of God. Love it.

  • Joshua Hodgkins

    This sounds about right

  • Joshua Hodgkins

    This sounds about right

  • Whitney Daum

    Too many Chiefs, not enough Indians

  • Elaine Salisbury

    Sounds like the VA.

  • Pamela Svendsen

    Not so far from the truth.

  • Jackie Lemley Criss

    Love this. SO accurate, lol

  • Dr-Roc Joosab

    A colosseum for nosocomial sepsis

  • Bernadene Lawrence-Phillip

    And no Damn bedside staff to actually care for the patients right?? Smh.

  • Sam Stevens

    John Farey

  • Lila Kim Sierra

    “Essential medical personnel” isn’t really essential;p. Lol

  • Anthony Arslan

    A 1:1 bed to administrator ratio is too much work… will they be ok so short staffed? Maybe an extra 1000 admins for good measure.

  • Chris Lee

    9,999 of them being utilization review peeps

  • Rachel Envy Gilmore

    thats why you get ripped off

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

8.8K Shares