Local ER Hires United Airlines Security to ‘Re-Accommodate’ Drug Seekers

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HANOVER, NJ – The Holy Cross Hospital announced today that they have hired off-duty United Airlines security guards to help “re-accommodate” drug seekers from their overbooked ER.

United Friendly SkiesPrevious attempts including placing a large bowl of Percocet in the waiting room failed to deter even the most ardent drug seekers.  Holy Cross ER Department Chairman Dr. Willie Runofsky explains, “We tried offering them everything, Percocet in a bowl, M&M bags with ‘Dilaudid’ written on them, even $800 cash to come back later.”  None of these measures had any appreciable impact.

“The security guards are much more cost efficient and faster than admitting the patients to medicine for some BS diagnosis and they don’t ask for silly things like labs or EKGs,” Dr Runofsky continued.  An unforseen bonus is that the ER waiting room now has available seating that nurses can use for congregating prior to their scheduled shifts.

With the Joint Commission coming for an inspection any year now, the administration at Holy Cross was very happy to get on board with the new plan.  “Ever since the United Airlines security guards arrived, its created a binary situation in our ER: patients either are gone or they have a head injury and we can bill for a trauma code.  Either way it’s a win-win!  Our ER wait times have been cut nearly 100%!” raved vice president of Patient Satisfaction Surveys Stanley Huffenpuff RN, BSN, CCRN, BLS, ACLS, OPP, BFD, USA.

Not everyone is as supportive of the new collaboration.  Dr. John McConnell claims he was merely sitting at his desk getting ready for his shift when United Airlines security re-accommodated him into a nearby park.

“I was finishing up clicking boxes from my previous shift when these ruffians smashed my head against my chair then dragged me out of the ER and tossed me into the duck pond,” he complained.

“But there is no one in the waiting room to be seen so I’ll hang out with the mallards for a while and enjoy the sunshine.”  No word yet if the United Airlines security guards are going to be permanent fixtures at Holy Cross or if they’re just going to stay until their “re-accommodation” period with United is completed.

  • Naan DerThaal

    A high school classmate of the lesser 3/5 of N’Sync, Naan DerThaal spent a number of years mired in mediocrity before finding his true calling, writing snarky anonymous internet commentary. He is a multi-time participation trophy recipient in Little League Baseball and has appeared on TV numerous times in the background of sporting events. He enjoys head-butting Lionfish and wrestling seasnakes in his free time and can often be seen dragging a mallet around the hospital. Follow him on Twitter @NaanDerthaal

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