HANOVER, NJ – The Holy Cross Hospital announced today that they have hired off-duty United Airlines security guards to help “re-accommodate” drug seekers from their overbooked ER.

United Friendly SkiesPrevious attempts including placing a large bowl of Percocet in the waiting room failed to deter even the most ardent drug seekers.  Holy Cross ER Department Chairman Dr. Willie Runofsky explains, “We tried offering them everything, Percocet in a bowl, M&M bags with ‘Dilaudid’ written on them, even $800 cash to come back later.”  None of these measures had any appreciable impact.

“The security guards are much more cost efficient and faster than admitting the patients to medicine for some BS diagnosis and they don’t ask for silly things like labs or EKGs,” Dr Runofsky continued.  An unforseen bonus is that the ER waiting room now has available seating that nurses can use for congregating prior to their scheduled shifts.

With the Joint Commission coming for an inspection any year now, the administration at Holy Cross was very happy to get on board with the new plan.  “Ever since the United Airlines security guards arrived, its created a binary situation in our ER: patients either are gone or they have a head injury and we can bill for a trauma code.  Either way it’s a win-win!  Our ER wait times have been cut nearly 100%!” raved vice president of Patient Satisfaction Surveys Stanley Huffenpuff RN, BSN, CCRN, BLS, ACLS, OPP, BFD, USA.

Not everyone is as supportive of the new collaboration.  Dr. John McConnell claims he was merely sitting at his desk getting ready for his shift when United Airlines security re-accommodated him into a nearby park.

“I was finishing up clicking boxes from my previous shift when these ruffians smashed my head against my chair then dragged me out of the ER and tossed me into the duck pond,” he complained.

“But there is no one in the waiting room to be seen so I’ll hang out with the mallards for a while and enjoy the sunshine.”  No word yet if the United Airlines security guards are going to be permanent fixtures at Holy Cross or if they’re just going to stay until their “re-accommodation” period with United is completed.

  • Show Comments

You May Also Like

cat licking

Cats Outperform Humans in Treating Patients with Borderline Personality Disorder

The psychiatric community is abuzz regarding an innovative treatment approach for patients with Borderline ...

usmle exam

10 Practical USMLE Board Study Tips

Studying for and taking the USMLE can be stressful. Here are 10 tips to ...

Cosmetic Dermatologist Desperately Clinging to Some Semblance of a Career in Medicine

Miami, FL – Reports have surfaced that Dr. Martina Van Nostrand, a cosmetic dermatologist ...

Nursing Student Spots Amazing Veins in New 300 Movie

DAYTON, OH – Rachel Quentin, a nursing student, has a different view on life ...

Med Student Wows Surgeon with Suction Technique

Denver, CO – Medical student James Taverny turned heads in the OR when he ...