ATLANTA, GA – Atlanta University Hospital (AUH) has unveiled a new tiered hospital rewards program for frequent flyers that provides numerous benefits, including free downgrades in pain medications and complimentary discharges. Though the program is only a few weeks old, AUH healthcare practitioners are calling the new program “effing brilliant.”
“We need to recognize our frequent flyers and treat them the way they deserve to be treated,” said Chief of Medicine Ryan Smackdown. “We borrowed from Delta’s Medallion program. It’s a tiered system, but we use something called FloorUnits instead of SkyMiles. As a frequent flyer achieves more elite FU status, the perks only get better and better.” Smackdown gave a wry, evil grin. He added: “Trust me, the perks are amazing.”
Smackdown, along with other leaders in Emergency Medicine, Pain Medicine, and Psychiatry created the groundbreaking program. Frequent flyers need not apply for FU Status; enrollment is both automatic and free of charge.
Below is the breakdown of benefits for the new FU program. FU status is divided into Gold, Platinum, and Diamond, which is reached by meeting one of three criteria regarding number of readmissions, times leaving against medical advice (AMA), or narcotic requests.
It should be noted that there is one major difference between AUH’s FU program and Delta’s SkyMiles Medallion program.
“Once you achieve FU status, you keep it for life,” explained Smackdown, increasingly giddy as he talks about the program. “In our electronic medical record, you’ll have a patient’s name, medical record number, and frequent flyer status. Once Gold, always Gold. Once Diamond, always Diamond. It’s a thing of beauty, really.”
According to sources close to GomerBlog, every healthcare system in the nation plans to adopt a similar rewards program and, additionally, are working at breakneck speed to create an integrated interface so that FU status is recognized everywhere independent of healthcare system. Healthcare practitioners are rejoicing and rejuvenated.
When reached for comment regarding the potential proliferation of rewards programs, every frequent flyer ever responded with the same two-word answer: “F**k me.”