Dear Gomerblog,

I’m an avid reader of your hilarious website, but lately I couldn’t help but notice that there are a ton of posts about that loser Coronavirus and none about me. I get it, he’s the new guy in town with the cool disease named after it—seriously, COVID-19 sounds so bad-ass compared to the boring ‘flu’—and everyone wants a piece of him.

But come on! What does an old virus like me have to do to get some love around here? Might I remind you that I’m the one who has unapologetically infected millions of people and killed tens of thousands of them THIS season alone? I’ve been knocking off people every damn year for thousands of years, and I continue to do so despite your futile attempts to stop me. Flu shots? They don’t scare me at all. Tamiflu? LOLOL!

The point is I infect and whack more people than this coronavirus even on my WORST year. And I’ll still be around long after the ‘rona disappears.

Maybe I’m just so lethal and devastating that you’re too cowardly to compose funny articles about me for fear it might offend your readers. Because, yeah, your readership is well-known for being ultra-sensitive. Gimme a break! I demand that you acknowledge my existence. I even came up with some fantastic headlines for you:

1. Local Man Becomes One Billionth Influenza “Customer,” Wins Free Trip to Morgue

2. This Year’s Flu Virus 80% Effective Against New Mutation of Flu Shot

3. Citing Decline in Business Due to Social Distancing, Dejected Flu Follows Lead of NBA and Cancels Its Season Too

I thought of those myself. You’re welcome. Anyway, I better see some changes around here. If not, my millions of friends and I might just have to do something drastic…Party like it’s 1918, anyone?

Forever and Ever Yours,

The Flu

Dear The Flu:

No, let’s NOT party like it’s 1918. Stop hanging onto the past. It’s been over a century since your heyday. It’s time to hang it up, go home, relax and have a Corona.

Catch you later (maybe),

GomerBlog

NORTH POLE – He himself quarantined up in the North Pole at his wife’s insistence, Santa is just bagging it in and giving every man, woman & child, good or bad, influenza B for Christmas.

“Why do we live in the f**king North Pole? It’s so g-ddamn cold,” Claus complained to his fellow Christmas elves, all of whom were wearing surgical masks just outside his isolation room, still reluctant to enter. “Turn up the heat, I don’t care if it melts all the snowmen.”

Even Santa’s reindeer have been cautious, washing their noses and hooves a little more liberally than usual.

Jolly Old St. Sick was doling out early Christmas gifts this year – the November appearance of influenza B caught everyone by surprise – which gave Santa Claus a great laugh until that laugh turned into fever, cough, sore throat, headache, and muscle aches.

Don’t worry if influenza B wasn’t what you asked for this Christmas. Mrs. Claus is making sure everyone’s stockings are stuffed with a full treatment course of Tamiflu.

ATLANTA, GA – In a highly-ominous sign suggesting this year’s influenza season may be as bad or even worse than last year’s, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has reported that an Atlanta area patient’s flu swab has tested positive for C. diff.

“One of the main reasons last year’s flu season was so problematic was the effect of superimposed pneumonia alongside the flu,” said CDC Director Robert R. Redfield, who is often referred to as Triple R at the CDC.  “Having a rapid influenza diagnostic test come back positive for flu is bad enough.  But for it to come back positive for C. diff, that can’t be good.  That’s just a whole new ballgame.”

Typically, Clostridium difficile or C. diff is a bacterium that can cause gastrointestinal illness, with symptoms ranging from mild (abdominal cramps & diarrhea) to severe requiring hospitalization (abdominal cramps, diarrhea, fever & bloody stool).  Unfortunately, it has become increasingly frequent and difficult to treat.  So this news of the first-ever case of pulmonary C. diff to herald the start of the 2018-2019 flu season should both scare and humble everyone.

“If you develop fevers, chills, shortness of breath, and cough productive of malodorous or bloody diarrhea, please seek medical attention immediately,” Triple R issued in a statement to the American public today.  “Let me be frank: flu plus C. diff is pretty messed up, so seriously, do not hesitate to seek care before it’s too late.”

RRR told our Gomerblog team moments later, “Toxic megalungs is the worst.”

Again, the CDC wants remind Americans that it is never too late to get your influenza vaccine administered rectally.

ATLANTA, GA – With influenza activity expected to pick up in the next several weeks, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) wants to remind Americans six months and older that there is still ample time to get their flu vaccine rectally.

According to the CDC, 900,000 Americans were hospitalized and 80,000 Americans died of influenza and its complications, such as superimposed pneumonia, during last year’s flu season, making it the most deadly season in decades.  Flu activity picked up in November with the highest activity taking place in the months of January and February.  On top of that, high severity was found across rectums of all ages.

Seasonal flu vaccines are designed to protect the body and colon against the 3 or 4 viruses research suggests will be the most common during the upcoming season, historically one influenza A (H1N1) virus, one influenza A (H3N2) virus, and one-to-two influenza B viruses if it is a trivalent or quadrivalent anal vaccine.

“Flu activity is currently very low, so between now and the end of October is an ideal time to have that rectal flu vaccine administered,” explained CDC Director Robert R. Redfield, who states that the vaccine is imperfect but better than not vaccinating at all.  “Those who receive their flu vaccine rectally are less likely to require hospitalization and less likely to die.  This is particularly true in children, pregnant women, elderly patients, patients with chronic conditions, even if they have perfectly healthy a**holes.”

There are inactivated influenza vaccines, recombinant influenza vaccines, or live-attenuated influenza vaccines, but thanks to the latest research developments any of these vaccines can be administered through rectal injection or a lesser-invasive rectal spray.

In addition to yearly flu vaccination, the CDC also wants to stress the importance of washing your hands, washing your rectum, covering your mouth when you cough, and covering your anus when you fart in order help reduce the risk of transmission.

BIRMINGHAM, AL – This winter season has been historically busy with influenza A wreaking havoc on health care systems, which are filled to the gills with the sickest of the sick from coast to coast.  In an effort to increase capacity and offset boarding in the emergency room, administrators at Birmingham Medical Center (BMC) have opened a new outdoor, rooftop, 50-bed med-surg unit.

“A bed’s a bed no matter where you open it at the hospital, so it’s obvious we have to do what’s right,” explained BMC CEO Chaz Moneybags, cozy in his numerous shiny expensive layers while drinking tea out of his gold-plated coffee cup.  “That means opening beds up outside on the rooftop.”

The decision to open an outdoor med-surg unit has been controversial.

“There are going to be naysayers, but we think that our CEO has his heart in the right place,” explained BMC Vice President Timothy Cha-Ching, who plans to visit the outdoor roof unit in the summertime.  “The patient is going to receive the same high quality care as would any other patient here at BMC.  It’s just that it’ll be really windy up there, it’ll be freezing at night, and it’ll certainly get really wet if it rains or snows with there being no roof and all.  Sure, the risk for hypothermia and death is tremendous, but at least they got admitted, right?  Surely it’s better than just sitting in the waiting room.  I really don’t see what’s not to like from either patients or providers.”

Patients are skeptical of the winter roof unit, citing the lack of heat, bathroom facilities, hot water, electricity, pretty much anything that you would find indoors in the dead of winter.  To make matters worse, administrators said they wouldn’t be able to provide extra blankets to patients in this unit since that was a cost-burden.

Health care professionals are skeptical as well and stand unified in boycotting the new unit.  One doctor summed up the sentiment as follows: “Are you nuts?!  It’s f**king freezing up there!!  I assure you, doctors, nurses, what have you, if any one of us are assigned to that crazy-ass unit, we’re turning in our letters of resignation, I promise you!”

ATLANTA, GA – Exuding tremendous confidence, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has announced that it plans on pitching a no-hitter this coming 2017-2018 influenza, proclaiming that zero people will catch the flu this year.  That’s right, zero, zilch, nada.  The CDC is going all in.

“It’s an unusual position for the CDC to take, true,” said CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald in a conference call with Gomerblog.  “We’ve never gone on record saying such a thing, and this country has never seen a year without any influenza cases.  But you know what?  F**it it.  We’re gonna go Babe Ruth on this one and call our shot: no one gets the flu this year, zero people, we guarantee it.”

Health care professionals are divided on the CDC’s stance.  Though some believe it is overconfident and downright ignorant to make such a proclamation, many view this as a brilliant move, believing that nothing prevents influenza better than scare tactics, not even good hand hygiene or yearly vaccinations.

“The influenza vaccine is great and all, but sometimes beating your chest and saying you’ll kick influenza’s ass is what you need to prevent a pandemic,” said infectious diseases specialist Leanne Burton, who secretly hopes the CDC is recruiting Chuck Norris, The Rock, or both.  “Influenza’s been bullying us for way too long.  It’s time to turn the tables.”

Fitzgerald agrees.  “For decades, Americans have been on the defensive when dealing with the flu.  This year we go on the offensive.  We’re gonna take it to ’em.  So, Americans, if you can hear me, do two things: one, get vaccinated, and two, if you see the flu, give it two middle fingers and tell it to go f**k itself.  That’ll show’em.  If we all do these two simple things, influenza hasn’t got a chance this year.”

The CDC Director hasn’t gone as far as to proclaim influenza will be extinct by the spring of 2018.  We asked why.

“Why would I do that?” Fitzgerald responded.  “Are you crazy?  That would just be irresponsible if I did that.  But this, I think this is totally reasonable.”

BERKELEY, CA – The Anti Vaccination ring leader was injured Thursday during a big Pharma raid that occurred about 2 o’clock PST.  “We tried to go in and take out the source of the insurgency,” Dr. Donald Withers told reporters. Dr. Withers is leading the national fight against the ‘Anti-Vaxers.’ “We’ve been taking them out one by one. Each raid we gather more intel that lead us to Thursday’s raid, and we were this close to catching their boss,” he said as he held up right hand showing an inch between his finger and thumb.

The team of doctors busted down the front door to the leader’s home only to stop dead in their tracks. “We were stunned,” Dr. Joshua Hurwitz, said. Dr. Hurwitz is another team member who was in charge of showing the target study after high powered study refuting  the claim that vaccines are dangerous. “There he stood over six-foot tall, single-celled and all, a large influenza virus. I dropped all my papers on the ground, it was a mess,” He said has he pushed up his glasses off the bridge of his nose.

The team saw computers everywhere that were logged into countless forums and websites, clearly the work of a kingpin spreading internet propaganda. The raid was stopped short when all six team members stood in the living room frozen, in shock at the large influenza virus. “All the virus said, in big booming voice, was: You are murdering my people! Stop killing off our women and children, they have families to feed and they need your lung tissue to do it!”

Influenza has been relatively kept under control for many years, but due to many fears among people about the vaccine it is making comeback. “If I only brought my Tamiflu aerosolizer bomb,” Dr. Withers stated in regret.

The absolute shocker was the guest this large sentient influenza virus had in his house: Pertussis. Both escaped quickly but not without Dr. Hurvitz shouting out some data proving the effectiveness of vaccines which injured influenza on his way out. “I can’t believe she was there too,” Hurvitz said referring to pertussis. “I wish I would have been quicker with my data, maybe I would have killed both.”

The medical community is excited that they have a face [cell] at the top of the whole anti-vax movement. “The evidence gathered at this raid was priceless.  We have names of many people in the Anti-vax network. We even found Jenny McCarthy‘s underwear in his room, she must be sleeping with the large virus… somehow.”

“It makes perfect sense now,” Dr. Withers said. “He doesn’t want his people to die so he’s been spreading lies about the only effective way to eradicate his kind off the planet. But I won’t rest until we get the bastard.”

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Yesterday, Roach Pharmaceuticals announced the results of a new flu treatment study which is sure to change the course of the flu and life forever.  Their antiviral drug, which is used to combat influenza, has been proven to allow mice to live forever.  A group of 100 lab mice have survived for twenty years, as long as they were provided their typical diet, daily exercise, and a small daily dose of Tammyflu.

Samuel Rossyman, Ph.D, MBA, JD, the Chair of Research and Development at Roach, allowed GomerBlog reporters and crew into the company’s lab for a tour and Q&A session.  “Not to boast, but our researchers have just made perhaps the most incredible scientific discovery of all time.  The typical laboratory mouse lives 2-to-3 years at most, but our data prove that Tammyflu keeps mice happy, healthy, and alive indefinitely.”

Tammyflu is an antiviral drug which has been used for years in treating human influenza cases.  The notoriously poorly tolerated drug, which is expensive and rife with serious side effects, at best can shorten the duration of an influenza illness by half a day.  Many Tammyflu critics did not believe the drug justified ever being used, citing common sense.

The skeptics felt that spending $150 for 12 hours less of flu symptoms, while risking vomiting, seizures, and worsening headache was absurd.  Nonetheless, Roach used brilliant marketing to convince America of the wonder of its marquee drug, and has raked in billions as Americans continue to clamor for Tammyflu at the first sign of a winter cough or muscle ache.  Now, the company’s bell-cow has a new, even broader indication.

“Tammyflu is now indicated as daily therapy for anyone desiring eternal life.  Side effects include seizures, vomiting, behavioral changes, and headache,” Rossyman stated.  A GomerBlog cameraman interrupted to point out that one of the 100 immortal mice was lying lifeless on its side, and Rossyman assured our crew that the rodent was merely sleeping.

“Beautiful day outside, isn’t it?” he chirped as he pointed out the window.  The crew turned to look, and when they turned back to Rossyman, the sleeping mouse was wide awake, active and bright-eyed.  “100 mice still alive after twenty years – we at Roach have found the Holy Grail.  Ask your doctor about daily Tammyflu therapy for eternal life.”