NORTH POLE – He himself quarantined up in the North Pole at his wife’s insistence, Santa is just bagging it in and giving every man, woman & child, good or bad, influenza B for Christmas.
“Why do we live in the f**king North Pole? It’s so g-ddamn cold,” Claus complained to his fellow Christmas elves, all of whom were wearing surgical masks just outside his isolation room, still reluctant to enter. “Turn up the heat, I don’t care if it melts all the snowmen.”
Even Santa’s reindeer have been cautious, washing their noses and hooves a little more liberally than usual.
Jolly Old St. Sick was doling out early Christmas gifts this year – the November appearance of influenza B caught everyone by surprise – which gave Santa Claus a great laugh until that laugh turned into fever, cough, sore throat, headache, and muscle aches.
Don’t worry if influenza B wasn’t what you asked for this Christmas. Mrs. Claus is making sure everyone’s stockings are stuffed with a full treatment course of Tamiflu.