Santa Just Giving Everyone Influenza B for Christmas

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NORTH POLE – He himself quarantined up in the North Pole at his wife’s insistence, Santa is just bagging it in and giving every man, woman & child, good or bad, influenza B for Christmas.

“Why do we live in the f**king North Pole? It’s so g-ddamn cold,” Claus complained to his fellow Christmas elves, all of whom were wearing surgical masks just outside his isolation room, still reluctant to enter. “Turn up the heat, I don’t care if it melts all the snowmen.”

Even Santa’s reindeer have been cautious, washing their noses and hooves a little more liberally than usual.

Jolly Old St. Sick was doling out early Christmas gifts this year – the November appearance of influenza B caught everyone by surprise – which gave Santa Claus a great laugh until that laugh turned into fever, cough, sore throat, headache, and muscle aches.

Don’t worry if influenza B wasn’t what you asked for this Christmas. Mrs. Claus is making sure everyone’s stockings are stuffed with a full treatment course of Tamiflu.

  • Dr. 99

    First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.

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