ATLANTA, GA – Exuding tremendous confidence, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has announced that it plans on pitching a no-hitter this coming 2017-2018 influenza, proclaiming that zero people will catch the flu this year. That’s right, zero, zilch, nada. The CDC is going all in.
“It’s an unusual position for the CDC to take, true,” said CDC Director Brenda Fitzgerald in a conference call with Gomerblog. “We’ve never gone on record saying such a thing, and this country has never seen a year without any influenza cases. But you know what? F**it it. We’re gonna go Babe Ruth on this one and call our shot: no one gets the flu this year, zero people, we guarantee it.”
Health care professionals are divided on the CDC’s stance. Though some believe it is overconfident and downright ignorant to make such a proclamation, many view this as a brilliant move, believing that nothing prevents influenza better than scare tactics, not even good hand hygiene or yearly vaccinations.
“The influenza vaccine is great and all, but sometimes beating your chest and saying you’ll kick influenza’s ass is what you need to prevent a pandemic,” said infectious diseases specialist Leanne Burton, who secretly hopes the CDC is recruiting Chuck Norris, The Rock, or both. “Influenza’s been bullying us for way too long. It’s time to turn the tables.”
Fitzgerald agrees. “For decades, Americans have been on the defensive when dealing with the flu. This year we go on the offensive. We’re gonna take it to ’em. So, Americans, if you can hear me, do two things: one, get vaccinated, and two, if you see the flu, give it two middle fingers and tell it to go f**k itself. That’ll show’em. If we all do these two simple things, influenza hasn’t got a chance this year.”
The CDC Director hasn’t gone as far as to proclaim influenza will be extinct by the spring of 2018. We asked why.
“Why would I do that?” Fitzgerald responded. “Are you crazy? That would just be irresponsible if I did that. But this, I think this is totally reasonable.”