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AUSTIN, TX – It is well-known that coffee stimulates the morning number twos in about 30% of people who drink the life-sustaining nectar.  A new study in the New England Journal of Defecation has revealed that a new statistic in the measure of coffee-induced pooping – coffee sip-to-sh*t (S2S) time – has found that it takes only 29 seconds for the first sip of coffee to cause the runs.

physician on toilet paper coffee sit-to-sh*t 29 seconds
“Phew! Barely made it in time!”

“Has it happened to you that you’re in the middle of a conversation with someone, you have that first sip of coffee and you rudely have to run to the restroom to keep from soiling your seat?  Happens to me every damn morning,” explained author of the S2S study Dr. Joanna Arabica, adding that her personal record is 2.6 seconds.  “That was an embarrassing day.  I’m just glad I wasn’t wearing white pants.”

In her study, Arabica honed in on that affected 30%.  She enrolled over 80 million Americans in this study.  (“It was easy,” Arabica added regarding the recruitment process, “I offered free coffee.”)  For every participant, she measured the elapsed time from first sip of coffee to when the first turd flew.  The results were astounding: the fastest sip-to-sh*t time was 0.39 seconds, the longest was 58.7 seconds, with the average time taking only a whopping 29 seconds.  Well, 29.04 seconds to be exact.

It is unclear the mechanism for the coffee sh*ts.  It doesn’t seem to be the caffeine since decaffeinated coffee (what’s the point?) causes morning poops while sodas like Coca-Cola don’t.  It might be due to coffee’s acidity stimulating higher stomach acid levels.  Or maybe it’s psychogenic.

“The limbic system might simply see it as brown in, brown out,” commented coffee-drinking defecation expert Alex Robusta, who holds the world record for largest bowel movement after a cup of joe: 32 lbs.  “It might just be an evolutionary technique: coffee wakes you up, the bowels lightens your load, allowing the shaper mental focus to be paired with lighter feet.”  Robusta makes a point: coffee sharpens the mind and the distal colon takes out the garbage, leading to greater productivity.

So it seems as long as the world has coffee drinkers and July interns, the toilet paper industry is here to stay.

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Dr. 99
First there was Dr. 01, the first robot physician, created to withstand toxic levels of burnout in an increasingly mechanistic and impossibly demanding healthcare field. Dr. 99 builds upon the advances of its ninety-eight predecessors by phasing out all human emotion, innovation, and creativity completely, and focusing solely on pre-programmed protocols and volume-based productivity. In its spare time, Dr. 99 enjoys writing for Gomerblog and listening to Taylor Swift.