eternal life

New Study Shows Tammyflu Pills Provide Eternal Life

  • 1.2K
    Shares

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Yesterday, Roach Pharmaceuticals announced the results of a new flu treatment study which is sure to change the course of the flu and life forever.  Their antiviral drug, which is used to combat influenza, has been proven to allow mice to live forever.  A group of 100 lab mice have survived for twenty years, as long as they were provided their typical diet, daily exercise, and a small daily dose of Tammyflu.

eternal lifeSamuel Rossyman, Ph.D, MBA, JD, the Chair of Research and Development at Roach, allowed GomerBlog reporters and crew into the company’s lab for a tour and Q&A session.  “Not to boast, but our researchers have just made perhaps the most incredible scientific discovery of all time.  The typical laboratory mouse lives 2-to-3 years at most, but our data prove that Tammyflu keeps mice happy, healthy, and alive indefinitely.”

Tammyflu is an antiviral drug which has been used for years in treating human influenza cases.  The notoriously poorly tolerated drug, which is expensive and rife with serious side effects, at best can shorten the duration of an influenza illness by half a day.  Many Tammyflu critics did not believe the drug justified ever being used, citing common sense.

The skeptics felt that spending $150 for 12 hours less of flu symptoms, while risking vomiting, seizures, and worsening headache was absurd.  Nonetheless, Roach used brilliant marketing to convince America of the wonder of its marquee drug, and has raked in billions as Americans continue to clamor for Tammyflu at the first sign of a winter cough or muscle ache.  Now, the company’s bell-cow has a new, even broader indication.

“Tammyflu is now indicated as daily therapy for anyone desiring eternal life.  Side effects include seizures, vomiting, behavioral changes, and headache,” Rossyman stated.  A GomerBlog cameraman interrupted to point out that one of the 100 immortal mice was lying lifeless on its side, and Rossyman assured our crew that the rodent was merely sleeping.

“Beautiful day outside, isn’t it?” he chirped as he pointed out the window.  The crew turned to look, and when they turned back to Rossyman, the sleeping mouse was wide awake, active and bright-eyed.  “100 mice still alive after twenty years – we at Roach have found the Holy Grail.  Ask your doctor about daily Tammyflu therapy for eternal life.”

image_pdfimage_print
  • Show Comments

  • Danielle Scriven

    Tammyflu hahahhaha

  • Dr John G Hughes

    @DrAndrewGreen @drbobmorley
    Finally! A justifiable use for this drug in search of an indication.

  • Rebecca Gonzales

    It’s funny how only one comment has it spelled right Tamiflu

  • Lora Ann Cullipher

    …and a Z-pac will get you into purgatory.

  • Kym Whiting

    It’s legit. I took one once, and didn’t die of swine flu or bird flu.

  • Kym Whiting

    It’s legit. I took one once, and didn’t die of swine flu or bird flu.

  • Cambria Hembree Bojorquez

    Or it does absolutely nothing… Jury still out

  • Jean NB

    Hahahahah

  • Susan Hansen-Engelhard

    Miraculous!

  • Allison Hebert Zellman

    Lol Dao Dang I know how much you love your tammyflu

  • Sandy Robbins

    Hahaha

  • Sean Ragain

    Zinger !

  • Sean Ragain

    That’s hilarious

  • Alyssa Cotton

    If that’s what Tamiflu does then a Zpak must make you bullet proof

  • Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    HA! You would think so! GEEZ! Worked with an (arrogant bastard) ER doc the other day who was giving EVERY ONE “TammyFlu” AND a Z-pack! Those folks will live forever AND develop superpowers. SMH. (I’m hoping to work with one of the OTHER docs with scruples and sense next shift.)

  • Tammy Fesperman Redmond

    I’m immortal! Nice!

  • Rob Morris

    I like to see a commercial based on this. Lol

  • Tammy Allen

    Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  • Luke W Lockhart

    When did Gomerblog stop writing satire?

  • Brandy Acklin Bradford

    Like my suicidal pt when asked was she trying to kill herself, she says I can’t kill myself I have a pacemaker!

  • Mitchell Li

    Ha! “: Study Shows Tammyflu Pills Provide Eternal Life ” http://t.co/NogoXGByk3 @chhernon @PharmERToxGuy @EMSwami @M_Lin

  • Keith Pochick

    I just knew when I saw the miserable red-nosed coughing guy moping around his tiny apartment in the commercial that TammyFlu was incredible stuff. Years from now, we will look back on this day as one which changed the course of history.

  • Shana McEwen Dennison

    Ha!

  • H.B. White

    I am going to cite “common sense” to patients more often

  • Deidre Dennison

    Lol, Shana McEwen Dennison

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

Sleeping Beauty

Sleeping Beauty Wakes Up After Single Dose of Narcan

27.2KSharesMEDIEVAL ENGLAND – In a last ditch effort to prevent intubation for airway protection, Sleeping ...

This Store Provides Real Allergies to Get the Medication you Want

217SharesBEVERLY HILLS, CA — Natalie Speede-Faster really needed to get back on Adderall.  Her ...

PM&R doctor

An Internist’s Guide to STAT Overnight Pages

4.4KShares At 7:30pm: So what’s the discharge plan for this patient? Follow up: Remind ...