eternal life

New Study Shows Tammyflu Pills Provide Eternal Life

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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Yesterday, Roach Pharmaceuticals announced the results of a new flu treatment study which is sure to change the course of the flu and life forever.  Their antiviral drug, which is used to combat influenza, has been proven to allow mice to live forever.  A group of 100 lab mice have survived for twenty years, as long as they were provided their typical diet, daily exercise, and a small daily dose of Tammyflu.

Samuel Rossyman, Ph.D, MBA, JD, the Chair of Research and Development at Roach, allowed GomerBlog reporters and crew into the company’s lab for a tour and Q&A session.  “Not to boast, but our researchers have just made perhaps the most incredible scientific discovery of all time.  The typical laboratory mouse lives 2-to-3 years at most, but our data prove that Tammyflu keeps mice happy, healthy, and alive indefinitely.”

Tammyflu is an antiviral drug which has been used for years in treating human influenza cases.  The notoriously poorly tolerated drug, which is expensive and rife with serious side effects, at best can shorten the duration of an influenza illness by half a day.  Many Tammyflu critics did not believe the drug justified ever being used, citing common sense.

The skeptics felt that spending $150 for 12 hours less of flu symptoms, while risking vomiting, seizures, and worsening headache was absurd.  Nonetheless, Roach used brilliant marketing to convince America of the wonder of its marquee drug, and has raked in billions as Americans continue to clamor for Tammyflu at the first sign of a winter cough or muscle ache.  Now, the company’s bell-cow has a new, even broader indication.

“Tammyflu is now indicated as daily therapy for anyone desiring eternal life.  Side effects include seizures, vomiting, behavioral changes, and headache,” Rossyman stated.  A GomerBlog cameraman interrupted to point out that one of the 100 immortal mice was lying lifeless on its side, and Rossyman assured our crew that the rodent was merely sleeping.

“Beautiful day outside, isn’t it?” he chirped as he pointed out the window.  The crew turned to look, and when they turned back to Rossyman, the sleeping mouse was wide awake, active and bright-eyed.  “100 mice still alive after twenty years – we at Roach have found the Holy Grail.  Ask your doctor about daily Tammyflu therapy for eternal life.”

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  • Jake Ho

    After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Danielle Scriven

    Tammyflu hahahhaha

  • Avatar
    Dr John G Hughes

    @DrAndrewGreen @drbobmorley
    Finally! A justifiable use for this drug in search of an indication.

  • Avatar
    Rebecca Gonzales

    It’s funny how only one comment has it spelled right Tamiflu

  • Avatar
    Lora Ann Cullipher

    …and a Z-pac will get you into purgatory.

  • Avatar
    Kym Whiting

    It’s legit. I took one once, and didn’t die of swine flu or bird flu.

  • Avatar
    Kym Whiting

    It’s legit. I took one once, and didn’t die of swine flu or bird flu.

  • Avatar
    Cambria Hembree Bojorquez

    Or it does absolutely nothing… Jury still out

  • Avatar
    Jean NB

    Hahahahah

  • Avatar
    Susan Hansen-Engelhard

    Miraculous!

  • Avatar
    Allison Hebert Zellman

    Lol Dao Dang I know how much you love your tammyflu

  • Avatar
    Sandy Robbins

    Hahaha

  • Avatar
    Sean Ragain

    Zinger !

  • Avatar
    Sean Ragain

    That’s hilarious

  • Avatar
    Alyssa Cotton

    If that’s what Tamiflu does then a Zpak must make you bullet proof

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    HA! You would think so! GEEZ! Worked with an (arrogant bastard) ER doc the other day who was giving EVERY ONE “TammyFlu” AND a Z-pack! Those folks will live forever AND develop superpowers. SMH. (I’m hoping to work with one of the OTHER docs with scruples and sense next shift.)

  • Avatar
    Tammy Fesperman Redmond

    I’m immortal! Nice!

  • Avatar
    Rob Morris

    I like to see a commercial based on this. Lol

  • Avatar
    Tammy Allen

    Couldn’t have said it better myself.

  • Avatar
    Luke W Lockhart

    When did Gomerblog stop writing satire?

  • Avatar
    Brandy Acklin Bradford

    Like my suicidal pt when asked was she trying to kill herself, she says I can’t kill myself I have a pacemaker!

  • Avatar
    Mitchell Li

    Ha! “: Study Shows Tammyflu Pills Provide Eternal Life ” http://t.co/NogoXGByk3 @chhernon @PharmERToxGuy @EMSwami @M_Lin

  • Avatar
    Keith Pochick

    I just knew when I saw the miserable red-nosed coughing guy moping around his tiny apartment in the commercial that TammyFlu was incredible stuff. Years from now, we will look back on this day as one which changed the course of history.

  • Avatar
    Shana McEwen Dennison

    Ha!

  • Avatar
    H.B. White

    I am going to cite “common sense” to patients more often

  • Avatar
    Deidre Dennison

    Lol, Shana McEwen Dennison

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