staph staff

Chuck Norris Vs. Super Bacteria: Norris Wins

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DALLAS, TX – A new super bacteria has emerged in the world and it is feared to be one of most dangerous bugs to date.  It’s name is HN2483 and there is no antibiotic that can even come close to beating it.  That is until 13-year-old Matt Frederick came up with a possible solution last week.

After hearing about the new bacteria on the news and coincidently watching The Expendables 2, Matt came up with what sounded at first as a “crazy teenager” idea.  He suggested using Chuck Norris’ blood to help fight the super bacteria.  Critics immediately shot down his idea as just another Chuck Norris joke, but Dr. Phyllis Green, a famous hematologist, wasn’t laughing.

“Although at first it sounded crazy, I thought he was on to something,” says Green.  Norris gladly accepted to give a sample of blood, but obtaining the blood was much more difficult than imagined.  “We had to use a very powerful drill with steel drill bits, just to access his veins,” says Green.  “I knew we were on to something then.”

Once the sample was obtained, the testing began and Green couldn’t believe the results under the microscope.

“The red blood cells were in the shape of a curled arm, including biceps, forearms, and fists instead of the traditional circular shapes.”  Once the super bacteria HN2483 was added to the blood sample, Green describes the fight.

“HN2483 didn’t even stand a chance.  His red blood cells immediately began upper-cutting the super bacteria while his white blood cells latched on and performed sleeper choke holds.  HN2483 was destroyed in 8-9 seconds, unbelievable!”

Matt was heralded as a new hero in this fight against HN2483.  Matt humbly replied, “Well, I thought the guy that can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass at night and the guy that won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves could probably take out a new deadly bacteria.”

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  • Doktor Schnabel

    Plague doctor from 1622 who practices blood letting and medical satire. My beak has mint leaves and straw to protect myself from the plague...plus it looks good.

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