Da Boss

Coworkers Claim Employee Is Faking Prosopagnosia, a Neurological Disorder, in Order to Continue Being Complete Asshole

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Da Boss
Da Boss

NEW YORK, NY – “It’s not you; it’s me,” shrugged Mr. David, making an exaggerated sideward glance.  “Or is it you?  Mommy?  Aunt?  I really can’t tell.”

Tristan David, a human resources (HR) administrator at O.I.C., Ltd., claims he has prosopagnosia.  Prosopagnosia is a rare neurological disorder which decreases the ability of the afflicted person to differentiate faces; in the most severe cases, patients cannot recognize close friends, family members, and sometimes, themselves.

Apparently, Mr. David is a bit of a legendary figure at O.I.C.  Ironically, many reports have been made to his HR supervisor for violations against employees’ privacy.  Mr. David, who is white, has also been accused of exhibiting racist behaviors in the office.  Rey Martinez from the finance department informed us that he caught Mr. David checking Mr. Martinez’s Facebook and Twitter accounts from Mr. Martinez’s computer.

In response to that claim, Mr. David defended himself, saying, “I was so embarrassed that day.  I was told to investigate the social media activity of one of our employees during business hours, but I thought it was a different person.  I couldn’t realize it was Mr. Martinez.”

An infuriated Martinez rejected that explanation.  “First of all, that ain’t no company policy that I know of… to go through Facebook profiles like that.  Secondly, it said my name. Thirdly, there are only 2 black people in all of finance: me and Mr. Cunningham.  That bastard is just nosey and racist.”

The HR Director, who chose to remain anonymous – and not just to Mr. David – disclosed to us that other employees had come forward with substantiated claims that Mr. Martinez repeatedly tagged colleagues in innumerable pictures on Facebook.

“I have private memes and statuses that I post from the bathroom – can I get a bathroom break?  At least I don’t tag people with discrimination,” Martinez enunciated.

Mr. David has also been accused of sexually harassing female employees.  “Mr. David kissed me in the middle of the stairway.  Claimed he thought I was his wife,” said Leigh Renhard, Director of Operations.  “What am I supposed to do with that?  Complain to HR? This is something this arrogant asshole made up so that he can do whatever he wants. How do I explain this to my husband?  Mr. David doesn’t even remember my name.  What a chauvinist.”

“I have to face these allegations every day,” lamented Mr. David.  “Was that a poor choice of words?  Maybe.  But clearly, my brain just doesn’t work like… yours?” he said, squinting quizzically at the man who was painfully obviously the reporter.  He continued, directly into the reporter’s microphone, “If they can’t respect someone with a disability, where do I go from here?  It’s like they’ve taken the ‘Human’ right out of ‘Human Resources.’”

Colleagues, and now our reporters, are skeptical as to the validity of Mr. David’s supposed prosopagnosia.  Mrs. Renhard added, “He’s always known how to run away from the boss, so… I don’t know when he ‘developed’ this neurological disorder, but it definitely isn’t congenital.”


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