Local Doctors Refuse to Take Care of Nickelback, Cite Do No Harm

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DETROIT, MI – On Saturday at 3:14 p.m., Nickelback’s tour bus crashed into a herd of rouge elephants that had escaped from the now abandoned Detroit City Zoo.  All four members were brought to a local ER.  Their wait times exceeded 13 hours in the trauma bay as lines stretched 8 miles out, which is typical for Detroit.

Finally an ER doc decided to see them, citing do no harm, when it was obvious Nickelback wouldn’t die.  It was determined that 3 of the members of the Canadian band probably should get a CT scan.

Radiologist Dr. Curt Mason refused to read the scans.  His report said use clinical correlation, cannot rule out anything.  “I made a pledge, a Hippocratic oath to the world, to do no harm.  The only time their music should be played is during a zombie apocalypse, as a last ditch effort to kill off the zombies.”  Although Dr. Mason recognized it could send what’s left of humanity – giving them no hope in a post-apocalyptic world – over the edge.

After the scan was completed, the transporter left them in the hallway while he went out for a smoke break and ate dinner. “I’d rather eat whatever I was supposed to bring to the lab than listen to another song of Nickelback.”

Finally the surgeon consulted on this ethical dilemma, had the best plan of care.  “I’ll perform an emergent thyroidectomy, the chances the thyroid was injured in the crash is essentially zero, but the chance that I could accidentally damage the recurrent laryngeal nerve rendering [lead singer Chad Kroeger] permanently hoarse, THAT would help the world the most.”  The anesthesiologist placed a rare 12g IV and the OR was prepped.

Only one employee disagreed but he had to leave during the ethics vote to watch a Vin Diesel movie.

  • Lord Lockwell

    Lord Vincent Lockwell, a medival surgeon, started Gomerblog in 1388. He went for a walk in the alps to get away from the bubonic plague in what is now considered southren Germany when a tragic acident occured. The avalanche did not kill him but froze him for over 500 years. He was thawed and now continues to report on medical news.

  • Show Comments

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    Did you click on the ‘song’ link in the article? Proof

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    Page Boen McBay

    Excellent! I hate Nickelback!!! Every. Single. Song. Sounds the same.

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    Like people who use Viagra, Nickelback fans exist but no one admits to it

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    Michele Adamec Scott

    Not a Nickelback fan, huh?

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