OUTSIDE METROPOLITAN HEALTH SYSTEM – Let’s face it, hospital cafeteria food is hideous, even when it’s labeled correctly. That’s why people in scrubs line up every day for the half a dozen food trucks park outside this hospital. Times have been hard for Sven Kombucha, owner of the Grass Fed Grass food truck, however. That was even before a health violation for including organic lawn clippings and mulch in his celebrated Green Fiber Smoothie. Apparently, customers prefer the Refried Refried Refried Beans (no, that’s not a typo) of Wheeled Fryton or Lard Moo Shakes from The Cow Truck.
The competitor’s only equipment seemed to be a microwave and freezer, quite inferior to the flexible, fiberoptic scope used to assure uniform consistency in all Grass Fed Grass products. After an invigorating snack of wild-crafted ginger root, Sven decided to try a competitor’s dish to see why no one was buying organic smoothies or even his new masterpiece, Fermented Wheat Grass Pie. Two scoops of Butter Bacon Bean Ice Cream later, inspiration and indigestion hit simultaneously.
After a few rounds of Colonoscopy the video game without losing a life, Sven unveiled his master plan to provide similar services from Grass Fed Grass. He interviewed several LPNs, anesthesiologist assistants, and Obamacare navigators before deciding on a time-tested, economical method to provide endoscopy sedation:
Besides numbing patient’s throats, cheap alcohol also provides adequate amnesia and analgesia for endoscopies. Colonoscopies require a different approach, as Sven explains:
“For the colonoscopy prep, we had problems with patient compliance until we convinced the fusion food truck to provide their famous En Fuego Chinese Taco Bomb to prospective patients one hour before the procedure. It cleans them out so quickly, so ferociously that most people are rendered unconscious without even a swig of liquor. One of our doctor customers thinks the MSG fills GABA receptors, whatever that means. Thing is, the food truck is so small inside, I have to position customers in the twerk position to successfully do the colonoscopy.”
Hospital administrators were initially concerned about Sven’s activities, especially when he changed the name of Grass Fed Grass to Sven’s In & Out Scopes. Closer inspection of the procedure truck revealed gently used napkins filled with meticulous charting. Metropolitan Health System was so impressed that they granted Sven the coveted parking spot usually reserved for the PET scan truck.
While interviewing Sven, this intrepid reporter may have consented to a colonoscopy in the food truck. Details are fuzzy, but I’ve written this entire article while standing and don’t think I’ll try sitting for awhile. Also, a new picture on my cell phone resembles a colon polyp.