PORTLAND, OR – John Bale was recently infected with whooping cough, a disease making a comeback now due to anti-vaxxers. Bale is a product of a second-generation anti-vaccine household. Despite his best efforts to “boost his immune system” with various herbs and Airborne (the famous medication invented by a teacher after noticing sick kids in her classroom that gets 99.9% excreted in urine), he still got sick.
Mr. Bale rushed to his doctor – doctor of homeopathy – Dr. Dawson H.D. “Ahhh yes, a classic case of whooping cough. He must have missed his dose of echinacea last full moon.” Dr. Dawson quickly whipped up his homeopathic remedy.
“The cure is pretty obvious…” Dr. Dawson said laughingly, affirming his superior knowledge of the mechanics of medicine. “I just need to perform a one to eight million dilution.” By diluting out all of the illness, just the essence of whooping cough remains, and then can be used to fight the disease.
A sputum sample was taken and the serial dilutions began so that just the essence of the whooping cough remained. John Bale took the medication and reportedly felt better as he left the office. “This medicine worked fantastic,” friends recall John bragging. “I must have taken this facing east!”
Three days later Mr. Bale was found pale and passed out in his apartment. He was brought to a real hospital, intubated, and given antibiotics. After a full recovery Mr. Bale was asked if he regretted seeking out homeopathic medicine first instead of getting the necessary treatment.
“Not at all, I just overdosed on too much essence. Dr. Dawson KNOWS what he is doing. He sells me all my supplements. Trust me, I’ve done my research. Like I said, I overdosed on his medication he prescribed, that’s all.” He went on to say how shameful he was of supporting Big Pharma during his recent hospitalization.
After an investigation was conducted, it was confirmed that Dr. Dawson only performed a one to four million dilution, missing the final dilution. Instructions were clearly stated on page 112 of the Repertory of Life. The National Homeopathic Society is considering placing him on probation and sending him back to herbs school.