HOUSTON, TX – Last week, Children’s General Hospital approved a new medication protocol to assist children undergoing surgical procedures. Anxiolytic medication, such as midazolam, can now be administered to parents to children headed to the operating room (OR).
“Some parents just get a little crazy,” said hospital administrator Lance Willington. “Their craziness translates into bizarre requests, emotional instability, and ultimately complaints and events that require paperwork to be filled out. I hate paperwork. They put their child at more risk by acting crazy.”
Numerous OR nurses had plenty to say about this topic. “Yeah, these parents just go nuts sometimes and usually it is over simple procedures like ear tubes,” said OR nurse Sarah Yedders. “Big scoliosis case, okay, I completely get it, but ear tubes, come on! Your car ride in was likely more dangerous.”
Anxiety, which is a completely normal response when one’s own kid is having surgery, almost always makes things worse when left unchecked. Of course kids that weren’t scared for the procedure are now petrified after seeing their parents’ hissy fit in the preoperative holding room. Some parents demand coming back to the OR, while others flip out after forgetting an iPad or a favorite blankie.
“Too much craziness ensues in the preoperative holding bay, that we had to do something about it,” proclaimed Willington. “We will now start administering midazolam to parents that express certain characteristics.”
Some of the characteristics that nurses and physicians will look for include: unvaccinated children, parents that speak 200-250 words a minute, parents that repeatedly say “Everyting will be okay, honey,” and parents that demand to come back to the OR.
“The unvaccinated child on a gluten-free diet without celiac disease or gluten allergy is a dead giveaway. Medicate those parents!” professed pediatric anesthesiologist Dr. Tamara Wilson.
“The problem may be convincing parents that need the medication, to take the medication. That is why we are starting a ketamine dart protocol for confirmed crazy parents who deny treatment. I always do what is best for my patient and if putting mom or dad in a trance is what it will take, then that’s what I’ll do.”