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SAN FRANCISCO, CA – The American Society of Anesthesiologists (ASA) released new guidelines that update their infamous ASA classification system to account for the anesthetic considerations of a patient with “red hair.”  “We experience vast variations in anesthetic needs in patients with red hair and we need a way to communicate this with our colleagues.”

"I plan on requiring a lot of anesthesia!"
“I plan on requiring a lot of anesthesia!”

The new classification features the “R” modifier to the ASA classification.  “For example a 23-year-old healthy female with red hair would be labeled an ASA 1-R, and if it was an emergency ASA 1-R-E,” Jan Hensen the head of the ASA released in a statement.

A family history of red hair is highly predictable for “requiring an amazing amount of anesthesia” and caution is advised for patients that appear “Gingeresque-looking.”

The ASA guidelines also recommend using higher MAC (minimum alveolar concentration) values for redheads and utilizing medications that combat feistiness.  Calm soothing music at extubation in the OR will help prevent a ferocious flailing fit which is all to common with redheads.

One final piece of advice involved transfusion practices.  “Redheads seem to bleed like stink,” according to Hensen.  “Have a low threshold for type and screening these patients, especially if you have an incompetent surgeon.”

Quoting numerous recent redhead studies published in The Lancet, the ASA did confirm that male and female redheads do in fact have souls, the carpet matches 92% of the time, most red heads hate when “redheaded slut” shots are ordered for them, and yes they truly are amazing in bed.

Lord Lockwell
Lord Vincent Lockwell, a medival surgeon, started Gomerblog in 1388. He went for a walk in the alps to get away from the bubonic plague in what is now considered southren Germany when a tragic acident occured. The avalanche did not kill him but froze him for over 500 years. He was thawed and now continues to report on medical news.