Boston, MA – Astra-Nomical has delayed their wonder cancer drug, Fizamax (ferazepatab), again. This time up to 2 years because of promotional disputes.
“We were in late talks with Lucasfilm to have their new Jedi hero promote [Fizamax],” an Astra-Nomical spokesman told reporters. “We started printing brochures, website creation, and commercial filming. Unfortunately the contract stated we weren’t allowed to leak anything about the new Star Wars script, and it fell through.” He went on to describe the commercial where light-sabres slash and cut cancer cells.
Astra-Nomical stated that they want something bold, big, and strong to promote their new drug which has cured many cancers in trials. “We just don’t want to release this landmark new drug on the market with a mediocre spokesperson, we want come out with a bang featuring the best, and we’ll wait until we get it.”
This obvious breach of contract has forced this important universal cancer-curing drug to be delayed indefinitely. “We are unsure right now if we can’t use any character from the new Star Wars movie, or just not the main character,” the spokesman continued.
This ready-to-go drug is only missing one key essential ingredient: star power. What better star power than a galaxy famous Jedi Knight. The success of the prior 6 Star Wars films and the wave a merchandising that followed each release was more than enough evidence Star Wars was the key to this campaign.
“We debated changing course from Star Wars,” Astra-Nomical’s CEO stated. “Especially after 2005’s release of Return of the Sith. When we didn’t think a new Star Wars Movie was ever going to come out. It was a shame this drug completed clinical trials in late 2006. We just missed [Return of the Sith], it has been a long wait.”
It has been a long wait, almost 8 years this drug has sat on the shelves. According to Astra-Nomical they do not want to remake an already existing marketing campaign, “that would be too much work.”
This universal cancer fighting agent has seen cure rates in the high nineties, rumor has it the Disney bought Lucasfilm just to make another Star Wars movie for the mere benefit of having this medication released. Disney was reached for comment but a representative said they do not comment on rumor or speculation.
A New Hope: If Episode VII doesn’t provide the star power Astra-Nomical is looking for, possibly a new Star Wars spinoff feature film will.