brain biopsy

FIFA Requiring “Soccer Biter” to Have Brain Biopsy to Look for Rabies

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BRAZIL – In a stunning announcement today, FIFA officials will require Luis Suarez, the Uruguayan soccer player who bit Italy’s Giorgio Chiellini in the shoulder last week, to undergo brain biopsies.

brain biopsy
FIFA to require brain biopsy for Suarez

FIFA consulted with the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and of upmost concern is an issue that Suarez may have contracted rabies, and could have passed it along to Chiellini.  The only clear way to confirm the diagnosis is through brain biopsies.

Most animals that are suspected of having rabies must unfortunately be euthanized to under to undergo a biopsy of the brain.  FIFA decided that a good compromise between having Suarez euthanized would be to have a controlled brain biopsy of his brain stem and cerebellum.

A FIFA spokesman had this to say:

“Brain biopsies will be required if he ever wants to play soccer again.  He may have balance and respiratory issues after the brain biopsies, but that’s much better than being euthanized.”

When asked if other tests were available for humans to test for rabies, the CDC had this to say:

“Yes, there are multiple tests including saliva, spinal fluid, and skin follicle tests, but brain biopsies are the most reliable.  Giorgio Chiellini should not have to wait for long skin samples in order to find out if he has rabies.  A brain biopsy will let us know instantaneously.”

Suarez could not be reached for comment, but rumor has it that The Walking Dead wants to hire him.

  • Show Comments

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    Raul Salazar

    Gotta love satire articles

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    Mariam Cloud

    Raul Salazar

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    Becky Pierce

    Good plan

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    Ashley Fetter

    Jason Fetter

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    Dani Combs

    Maybe he’s a walker! Call Daryl!

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    Noelle Jenkins

    Micah Qurshi

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