BERKELEY, CA – Local resident Charles Longfellow is no stranger to beer. “A typical weekend I’ll go through a couple cases,” he told reporters boastfully.
This 36-year-old male has been living the same weekend for the past 20 years. “I’ll drink with the boys and eat a whole pizza and a bag of chips every night. ‘Make sure you order a large supreme for The Chuckster,’ they’ll say.”
Lately Charles, or “The Chuckster,” has been having second thoughts on what he is putting into his body. “You know I was thinking about this; Saturday morning I would feel like [expletive]! I Googled my symptoms: headache, diarrhea, muscle aches, fatigue, and sure enough, I have a gluten allergy!”
The Chuckster went on: “You know you only get one life and one body. You just have to be careful what you put into it. My doctor tells me I have high cholesterol, diabetes, hypertension, and have been gaining way too much weight. Now I know why! I’ve been putting this toxin gluten into my body for over 20 years. Sickening the government still allows that in food.”
Sources close to Mr. Longfellow say that when he was in his early 20s he could “party” every night, but now he’s only “good for a weekend” and “looks like death” in the morning. Gluten is clearly taking a toll on his body.
Charles plans on cutting out beer completely. “I’ll be a vodka-only guy now. I’ve stocked up on gluten-free potato chips, gluten-free cookies, and some gluten-free bagels so I can slather on some cream cheese.” He plans on seeing a drastic change in his health.
“If tobacco turns out to have gluten, I might just lose it!” he said while lighting up a Marlboro.