gluten allergy

After Binging on Pizza and Beer, Local Man Claims to Have Gluten Allergy

  • 276

BERKELEY, CA – Local resident Charles Longfellow is no stranger to beer.  “A typical weekend I’ll go through a couple cases,” he told reporters boastfully.

This gluten is ruining my body

This 36-year-old male has been living the same weekend for the past 20 years.  “I’ll drink with the boys and eat a whole pizza and a bag of chips every night.  ‘Make sure you order a large supreme for The Chuckster,’ they’ll say.”

Lately Charles, or “The Chuckster,” has been having second thoughts on what he is putting into his body.  “You know I was thinking about this; Saturday morning I would feel like [expletive]!  I Googled my symptoms: headache, diarrhea, muscle aches, fatigue, and sure enough, I have a gluten allergy!”

The Chuckster went on: “You know you only get one life and one body.  You just have to be careful what you put into it.  My doctor tells me I have high cholesterol, diabetes, hypertension, and have been gaining way too much weight.  Now I know why!  I’ve been putting this toxin gluten into my body for over 20 years.  Sickening the government still allows that in food.”

Sources close to Mr. Longfellow say that when he was in his early 20s he could “party” every night, but now he’s only “good for a weekend” and “looks like death” in the morning. Gluten is clearly taking a toll on his body.

Charles plans on cutting out beer completely.  “I’ll be a vodka-only guy now.  I’ve stocked up on gluten-free potato chips, gluten-free cookies, and some gluten-free bagels so I can slather on some cream cheese.”  He plans on seeing a drastic change in his health.

“If tobacco turns out to have gluten, I might just lose it!” he said while lighting up a Marlboro.

  • Lord Lockwell

    Lord Vincent Lockwell, a medival surgeon, started Gomerblog in 1388. He went for a walk in the alps to get away from the bubonic plague in what is now considered southren Germany when a tragic acident occured. The avalanche did not kill him but froze him for over 500 years. He was thawed and now continues to report on medical news.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    LMAO! Kristina Fahringer Day, go ahead – read it and make fun of me! ;-)

  • Avatar
    Amy Millmier Schmidt

    This is awesome.

  • Avatar
    Jason Bloink

    Sounds about right

  • Avatar
    Al ßlöiñk

    Jason Bloink

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

palliative care goals of the fight

Palliative Care Stops McGregor in 10th to Discuss Goals of the Fight

2.3KSharesLAS VEGAS, NV – The smallish crowd of 14,623 at T-Mobile Arena wasn’t surprised ...

fitbit monitorfitbit monitor

Game On: Fitbit Raises Target to 10 Trillion Steps Per Day

206SharesSAN FRANCISCO, CA – In what they’re calling an inevitable but necessary update for ...