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CDC Confirms Ebola Transmitted Via Patient Satisfaction Surveys

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ATLANTA, GA – Yesterday, the CDC finally established a link explaining a frightening and puzzling Ebola case.  A patient with no known Ebola exposures in Raleigh, NC fell ill with the virus last week and had investigators scrambling to explain how it was contracted.  Despite exhaustive and painstaking steps to connect the dots, the investigators found no promising leads until they turned to an unlikely source: the mail.

firefighter
“Immediately burn all patient satisfaction surveys!”

Charles Hankford, 57, of Raleigh, is seriously ill and battling the Ebola virus at a North Carolina hospital.  While he had visited Dallas and made a trip to Texas Presbyterian in early September, there were no cases of Ebola at the hospital until weeks later, making an exposure impossible.

In Mid-October, however, Hankford was mailed a patient satisfaction survey from Texas Presbyterian asking him to rate the care provided during his ER visit.  Little did he know that the outgoing mail had been contaminated with Ebola.  He filled out the survey and mailed it back.

About 8-10 days after returning the survey, Hankford quickly became ill and presented to a local ER.  He was ultimately diagnosed with Ebola, and is being treated in an isolation room.

Kristen Katzmann, MD, Ph. D, MPH, JD, MS, the CDC’s Ebola Emperor, was reached for comments regarding the case and its transmission.

“We are urging that no citizen open up or even touch these patient satisfaction surveys until further notice.  Build a small fire outdoors, pick up the survey with a pair of kitchen tongs, then incinerate the survey and tongs.  As far as email surveys are concerned, we recommend that you delete them immediately without opening.  Our concern is that the virus could mutate to a computer-borne strain, and it isn’t worth taking the chance.  I mean, everyone knows this patient satisfaction data is meaningless, anyway.  If you were happy with the care you received in a particular hospital, just voice your satisfaction by going there again when you need medical care.”

Katzmann was asked why the virus almost seemed to “choose” to travel via healthcare satisfaction surveys instead of other forms of mail.

“My best explanation is that viruses are obligate parasites, and somehow the virus could sense that the multi-million dollar side industry of satisfaction data collection is just an obligate parasite on healthcare in America.  Birds of a feather flock together, and all.”

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  • Avatar
    Betsy O’Herron Tolbert

    Just in, angry Ebola survivor completes Press Ganey. (I beat the damn virus once; I can do it again!) Scores are predictably low. The nurse never gave back rubs or massaged feet. Family was treated poorly and not allowed to visit or bring in snacks.

  • Avatar
    Hoplite99

    Katzman, our new Ebola Czar!!!

  • Avatar
    Julie Wilson

    Probably is. Abolish press ganey surveys!

  • Avatar
    Kalyn Ehlers King

    Ebola emperor. This article made my whole day.

  • Avatar
    Jenn Dose

    This is completely out of hand. Who is in charge?

  • Avatar
    Katherine Flannery

    Lmfao!!!!

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    “Kristen Katzmann, MD, Ph. D, MPH, JD, MS, the CDC’s” Lotsa letters, so she’s GOTTA know what she’s talking about. Yup.

  • Avatar
    Robin Fahringer Mitchell Machajewski

    LMAO!!! I KNEW IT!!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Anna Ters-Simpson

    It could become computer-borne hahahha

  • Avatar
    Andrea Champion

    Amen

  • Avatar
    Courtney Stine

    Bwahahaha!!!

  • Avatar
    Erica Kirkland Reeves

    *giggles *

  • Avatar
    Ruth Lynn Gordon

    Funny…. Thank you for writing this and sharing!!!!

  • Avatar
    Kate Armstrong Gordon

    LOVE the author!!!

  • Avatar
    Anna Zumpella

    They should be contaminated with something because they are a joke !!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Christian Moeller

    I wish this were true

  • Avatar
    Cindy Fenton Fussell

    I’m dying! “The virus could sense the multi-million dollar side of the industry…”

  • Avatar
    Cyndy Williams

    Love it, especially the last paragraph!

  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    Blocking gomerblog! How dare they! What are they, North Korea?

  • Avatar
    Kate Noel Briddell Crandley

    Trying to read this while sitting in Sentara waiting room, “content blocked” ha ha. Sentara is on to you Gomerblog!

  • Avatar
    Matthew Mark Gaines

    Jason Hunziker

  • Avatar
    Bryan

    I KNEW those patient satisfaction surveys were bad news….

  • Avatar
    Elizabeth Cotton

    Hahahaha! Sarah Elizabeth Sidwell Maegan Joanne

  • Avatar
    Robin Horne Lapsley

    That’s hilarious.

  • Avatar
    Kimberly Henderson Hastings

    Yes!

  • Avatar
    Betsy O’Herron Tolbert

    Andrea Champion if only

  • Avatar
    Patricia Alderman Valencis

    Lol!

  • Avatar
    Alexis V. Najarro

    Cindy Fenton Fussell, you need to read this! ;)

  • Avatar
    Guerrero Laura

    Hahaha!

  • Avatar
    Mari Hoover

    If only

  • Avatar
    Tracy Goodman

    LOL

  • Avatar
    Praveen Mathur

    So true

  • Avatar
    Lyn Wilson Wyke

    Rebecca Rohrer Koleski if only…

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