WASHINGTON, DC – In a landmark move marking the resounding success of the Caucasian Physician Breeding In Captivity Program (CPBCP), the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service (FWS) has removed white doctors from the endangered species list.
“This is a great day for improving the diversity of our nation’s physician workforce!” announced FWS Director Daniel Ashe at his press conference, nationally broadcast on C-SPAN. “Just a few years ago, white doctors had been feared in many circles to be extinct. With great effort, we have improved the population to create a viable cohabitant within the medical ecosystem.”
The CPBCP had its origins in the curious case of Bobby Patel, who matriculated at the Yale School of Medicine in 2000. Dr. Li-Tai Chang, Dean of Admissions that year, said, “At that time, we believed that white physicians were a thing of the past. When we accepted Bobby then, we figured we were getting another Indian-American student.”
Bobby Patel, a standout college school student who had been adopted by an Indian family in West Virginia, was shockingly white. “I mean, I know plenty of Indian guys named Bobby. So it came as a surprise when he showed up for the first day of medical school wearing khakis and polo shirt.” Per Dr. Chang, “We immediately reported the case to the Fish & Wildlife Service.”
In an exclusive interview with GomerBlog, Daniel Ashe stated that he also started to receive other similar reports of rare white medical students and residents from around the country. “What we did was daring. We pulled all of the Caucasians and brought them together for training at our headquarters in Washington, DC. But more importantly, we wanted to maximize efforts to encourage them to breed in captivity.”
The early attempts by CPBCP were fraught with missteps. “It took our scientists years to optimize their environment to encourage breeding,” recounts Mr. Ashe. “One day, the CPBCP curator accidentally switched the overhead speakers to a radio station playing ‘Sweet Child O’ Mine’ by Guns N’ Roses. It was a miracle. The male Caucasians immediately started performing what has been described as ‘The Carlton Dance’ mating ritual, and the rest was history.” Mr. Ashe subsequently was able to complete his ambitious Caucasian Physician Genome Project shortly thereafter.
Over the last few years, many of the white students, residents & physicians have been successfully released from captivity and introduced to various schools & hospitals. “They are flourishing, and that makes me proud,” remarked Mr Ashe.
Although white doctors have been making a comeback in terms of population numbers, there have been a few bumps in the road. Baltimore cardiologist Dr Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram is just now getting used to the nuances of working with white colleagues. “These white doctors talk funny. I can’t understand them with that accent.”