LONG BEACH, CA – After seemingly vanishing from the public eye for over a decade, former rapper Calvin “Snoop Dogg” Broadus announced that he is now ready to practice as an officially trained geriatrician. He completed medical school at UCLA-Harborview, then went on to finish a three-year residency in internal medicine and a two-year fellowship in geriatrics at UCLA. He spoke at a press conference at Death Row records in Long Beach. The studio will double as his clinic, Cheatin’ Death Senior Care, which will cater to the 80-and-up population.
“My fan base is aging, for shizzle. These geezers know my music better than any other demographic, if you get what I’m saying. And if you don’t think they still know how to party, you ain’t been to the nursing homes or geriatric hospitals in a whizz-ile. These old ladies and ballers keep it turnt up with bingo and bridge. We call this one old baller ‘Busdriver’ cause he will take you to school at Dominoes.”
“They can’t gamble for real dollars, but Busdriver be stackin’ Nilla Wafers like C-notes when the dominoes is out. It don’t even start getting crunk on the geriatric ward ‘til after midnight. I make it rain Geodon in that hizzzouse on the regular.”
“The biggest thing I learned in fellowship was telling the difference between a delirizzle and dementizzle. Geezers be acting the same sometimes. Just as soon as you figure an old lady only has worsening Alzheimizzles, BOOM! She fools you with a UT-izzle or a pneumonizzle. And with all the diuretics, para-neoplastic syndromes, and bad diets, these geezers’ sodiums be droppin’ like panties at an afterparty. You gotta be on your toes, for real.”
Cheatin’ Death Senior Care has announced plans for hip-hop modifications of commonly used hardware in the geriatric population, like Hoverounds outfitted with hydraulics and walkers with curb-feelers. The clinic’s motto is “We got our minds on your me-maw and your me-maw on our minds.”