anesthesiologist hospital

Hospital Replaces Anesthesiologists with Voice-Activated OR Tables, Saves Millions

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SAN JOSE, CA – In what appears to be a medical first, surgeons at Methodist Northwest Hospital have found that using voice-activated operating room tables instead of anesthesiologists or CRNAs is working remarkably well.

anesthesiologist hospital
“Table up”

“It’s fantastic,” said orthopaedic surgeon Dr. Michael Wheely.  “I don’t have to get anesthesia’s attention anymore!  I just say ‘table up’ or ‘rotate towards me’ and the table responds in the CORRECT direction. It’s  like magic!”

Hospital administrator Dr. C. Jonathan Egging confirmed his surgeons are generally very positive about the new tables.  “Most of our surgeons were understandably skeptical at first,” said Dr. Egging, “but after they saw that even the orthopods could do it, they all jumped on board.  By eliminating anesthesiologists altogether, we estimate net savings of $25 million the first year alone!”

Dr. Carol Phelps, a general surgeon agrees.  “Door-to-cut times have improved dramatically now that we aren’t being slowed down by anesthesia.  We just consult medicine to intubate and turn on the propofol dispensing machine and we’re off and running!  A PACU nurse is dedicated to a ‘wake up room’ and extubates patients when ready.”

Somewhat surprising, the hospital’s anesthesiologists and CRNAs aren’t terribly concerned.  “We now have more time than ever to work on what really matters: arm tans, making drape forts, and Sudoku.”

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  • Avatar
    Jessica Wilson Booth

    Megan Neighbors HaHaHaHa

  • Avatar
    James Ellwood

    Who says Americans cant do satire?

  • Avatar
    Elizabeth Maxey Dukes

    This is wrong on so many levels lol

  • Avatar
    Rishie Sinha

    Arm tans and sudoku. Love it! :D

  • Avatar
    Damian Fogarty

    replaces them with…robots, nurses, younger anaesthesiologists? No just automatic operating tables..oh the shame!

  • Avatar
    Rishi

    Lol, we’ll still get blamed! ;-) Love this post!

  • Avatar
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  • Avatar
    Paul David

    Read the article, it’s satire.

  • Avatar
    Lisa Metcalf

    Loved the part where they said “if an orthopod could do it anyone could”. Wouldnt it be nice if propofol was the only drug you dispensed. LOL

  • Avatar
    Melissa LeBlanc Pelletier

    Orthopods don’t need no stinking voice activated tables! They have Stryker Reps!

  • Avatar
    Jody Madden

    That’s what malpractice insurance is for!

  • Avatar
    Jody Madden

    OMG!!! This one is REALLY funny!!

  • Avatar
    Amy Horton

    *even the orthopods….lol!

  • Avatar
    Mastura Monif

    Lol

  • Avatar
    Ellie O’leary

    sure its always anaesthesia’s fault isnt it??

  • Avatar
    Ellie O’leary

    sure its always anaesthesia’s fault isnt it??

  • Avatar
    Ruth Ní Naraigh

    Suits me fine!

  • Avatar
    Ruth Ní Naraigh

    Suits me fine!

  • Avatar
    Lucy Sadler

    Let alone man the “machine that goes ping “…..

  • Avatar
    Sarah Hulin

    …& who’s going to move the lights Ian Jenkins?!!

  • Avatar
    Ian Jenkins

    Who’s going to fiddle with the radio or change the CD?

  • Avatar
    Daniel Dominguez

    A big change is coming to medical pro’s!!

  • Avatar
    Rafferty Sorensen

    Emanuell Borowski Rebecca Konen Clint Pitchforth Weston Swindlehurst Erin AndMike Ian Kendrick

  • Avatar
    Sarah Sumrall

    Josh Uecker, uh oh! Now who is master of the bed?!

  • Avatar
    Brett Dempsey

    Actually, I rotated at a hospital in residency that had a voice activated OR table

  • Avatar
    Peter Kreishman

    There is a disappointing lack of butthurt comments from people who don’t know this is satire. I guess we just need more time.

  • Avatar
    Peter Kreishman

    But would the patient survive? :)

  • Avatar
    Gil Watson

    This is hilarious!

  • Avatar
    Jen Ronan Gerstle

    Kellie Galarneau, can we just start taping these to the professionalism sign in the bus stop?

  • Avatar
    Jason Edwards

    I read one where they replaced an ENT with a q-tip, tongue depressor and a cough drop ;-)

  • Avatar
    Bubba Hotep

    Can’t sue a table.

  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    You are right, we will have to modify the blame algorithm https://gomerblog.com/2014/06/anesthesia/

  • Avatar
    Samuel Rosas Saldarriaga

    Mateo Uribe Moreno

  • Avatar
    Amber Krajicek Lowe

    I would LOOOOVE to replace a couple of our MDA’s!!!

  • Avatar
    Jennifer Thomas

    So the surgeon will now accept responsibility for all bad outcomes they formerly blamed on anesthesia? LOL

  • Avatar
    Tiffany Bruner

    James Simonson

  • Avatar
    Janet Shaw

    Tony Bergin Mark Gibbs Jayne Berryman Barbara O’brien whst do you think

  • Avatar
    Ted Picano

    Not!!

  • Avatar
    Harrison Gold

    Russell Ray

  • Avatar
    Heather Harris

    Who takes over asking about their sore throat the next am

  • Avatar
    Terry Bartlett

    Haa ha. Up. No sorry, back down a little. Nope I’m sorry back up. Lol

  • Avatar
    Maria Federico Madonick

    LoL!

  • Avatar
    Lora Ann Cullipher

    Table up, table down, Trendelenburg, etc…I call it table acrobatics.

  • Avatar
    Victoria Morgan

    damn!! Jason Morgan

  • Avatar
    Fatima Aly

    Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace

  • Avatar
    Jay John

    Sheet…even I could whack an appendix or a gallbladder out. See one, do one, teach one.

  • Avatar
    Kevin McMullen

    Brilliant

  • Avatar
    Toya Govan

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