atv craniotomy

NC Hospital Offers Discounted Craniotomy with ATV Purchase

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WINSTON-SALEM, NC – With hunting season fast approaching, a North Carolina hospital has made a controversial move: they have partnered with an ATV dealership to offer a discounted craniotomy coupon to purchasers of the notoriously unstable vehicles.  Specifically, Salem General Hospital will provide a coupon worth up to 50% off a trauma craniotomy and a fixed $1000 credit toward a neuro ICU stay with the purchase of any new all-terrain vehicle between now and June 31, 2015.

atv craniotomy
“I can’t believe a craniotomy discount was included!!!!”

Salem neurosurgeon, Dr. John Barrow said, “This is a great move by the hospital and I have been a big supporter from day one.  The hospital gets a kickback from the dealership to cover the expenses, and our patients can get a convenient package deal on the all-terrain vehicle they want, and the subdural hematoma evacuation they will inevitably need.”

Jim Dugan, owner of Dugan’s Outdoor Sports World, couldn’t be happier with the arrangement.  “I’ve known for ages that every ATV purchaser would eventually need emergency brain surgery, but in the past I had no way to help my customers save money on their virtually certain neurosurgical bills.”

He added, “The package assures me additional sales, and guarantees a steady flow of neurotrauma admissions for Salem General.  It’s really a win-win.”

Some community advocates criticized the program, stating that the money should instead be used to provide helmets and safety training for ATV purchasers.  Dr. Barrow strongly disagrees.  “Please,” he said.  “The state has been offering those for free for decades.  Everyone knows ATV purchasers are uninterested in wearing helmets, and the few who do simply transmit the force of the predestined tree impact into their cervical spines.”

Thus far, Dugan has sold 23 vehicles under the new program, and Salem has admitted 18 riders for traumatic brain injury, 17 of whom required surgical treatment.  “This is really a financial windfall,” said Kara Jackson, hospital VP of Clinical Services.  “The coupon costs us, what, a few thousand bucks?  And it essentially guarantees that we will admit someone with an intracranial hemorrhage every day of whitetail season.  It’s the best decision we made since sending every newborn home with a roll of honey coated candy-colored plastic bags.”

At press time, having gotten wind of the uptick in joint sales effected by this package, it was reported that the Cooors brewing company was about to announce a free case of beer with each ATV purchase, saying, “The only thing that goes with ATVs better than emergent neurosurgical intervention is a beer as frigid as the Rockies.”

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  • Avatar
    Kelly Goshon

    too good! Used to wonder why ATV’s were still being made.

  • Avatar
    Kerrie Welsh Sanders

    Sweet!

  • Avatar
    Marli Meredith

    Lol!

  • Avatar
    Wendy Roberts

    Rocky Lange

  • Avatar
    Cara Lynn

    Probably extra discount if you are pregnant, a double amputee, over the age of 85 or plan on riding with your newborn :) none of those are made up!

  • Avatar
    Ann Carr

    Hey Cara Lynn, thought you might like this one

  • Avatar
    Rocco Arcieri

    In a related controversial move, Eastern Regional organ procurement council is diverting its marketing budget to advertising for makers of atv and donor cycles

  • Avatar
    Saad Mohammad

    Kourosh Tavanaiepour

  • Avatar
    Katrina Gabelko

    Fabulous! How clever!

  • Avatar
    Kelley Hughes Reep

    They could create a database to match ATV purchasers to those awaiting transplant!

  • Avatar
    Jeanne Sincavage

    They obviously know their target market!

  • Avatar
    Brandy Acklin Bradford

    Throw in a chest tube and we have a deal!!

  • Avatar
    Loni J Duncan

    LOL

  • Avatar
    Kristen Knowles

    All vehicles requiring helmet use should come with required donor cards.

  • Avatar
    RJ Schreiner

    Frank Schymik

  • Avatar
    Kimm Auxier Bryant

    Wow lol!!

  • Avatar
    Joetta Auxier

    Lol! Love it. Kimm Auxier Bryant

  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    Oh thats a good one

  • Avatar
    Patricia Alderman Valencis

    Good marketing ploy! Lol

  • Avatar
    Kelley Hughes Reep

    ATVS purchase price refunded with donation of organs.

  • Avatar
    John Erdtmann

    David Chapman

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