SAN DIEGO, CA – With recent concerns over the credentials of employees of The Joint Commission (JC), doctors and nurses have formed a separate regulating body to inspect and regulate the JC, deemed “The Gigantic Commission.”
Reports have surfaced that many of the JC inspectors originally had jobs in the medical field, but due to “personality conflicts,” “sub-par performance,” and “senses of entitlement” many were laid off or placed into undesirable clinical positions, indirectly causing them to quit. Concerns are now mounting over the credentials and quality of our “hospital seal of approval” regulators themselves.
“We need a checks and balance system here for hospital regulations,” said founder of the Gigantic Commission, Dr. Wilma Sladers, a practicing pulmonologist. “The JC has emerged as the only hospital regulating body in the US and essentially [the JC] have carved a monopoly for themselves. Years and years of unchecked power has led to runaway regulations, policies, and paperwork that is not backed by science.”
Dr. Sladers with the help of several clinically oriented ER and ICU nurses developed a system to help regulate and hold the JC accountable. The Gigantic Commission will review credentials, previous employment, scientific research if any is even present, and conduct personality tests of employees of The JC.
A physical inspection of their building will occur without warning twice a year. The Joint Commission will still have to invite the Gigantic Commission to come and inspect them with a formal Hallmark card, but the Gigantic Commission does have the authority to inspect the JC with or without an invitation from them.
The Gigantic Commission has already published several tips for the Joint Commission to pass a Gigantic Commission inspection:
- Make sure your clipboard is smaller than a Gigantic Inspector’s clipboard
- Introduce yourself with your name, date of birth, and present your HIPAA training certificate
- Wash your hands for one minute before and after interacting with your clipboard
- Clipboards designed for single use should not be used multiple times
- Place locks on your lunchbox and date and time the outside for sandwich assembly time and expiration
- Any object over one pound cannot be placed on desks, including clipboards
- Fanny packs should be immediately disposed of
- No food or drink shall be located in offices
- Sweaters are not to be worn in offices due to infection risk
- Don’t even think of bringing a backpack into your office
- Before implementing new regulations, perform a 42-point timeout, including having a ferret present
- As tempting as it is, don’t use the MSDS as toilet paper
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