natural dilaudid spring

Natural Dilaudid Spring Discovered in Alps; Drug Seekers Scramble for Climbing Gear, Airline Tickets

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GRINDELWALD, SWITZERLAND – A quaint Swiss town is experiencing the first wave of what is sure to be an epic boom in tourism this week, after news broke about a naturally-occurring spring rich in the parenteral narcotic Dilaudid.  A legion of opioid-dependent Americans, decked out in mint condition Patagoni parkas and carrying shiny new Black Diamond crampons invaded the Alpine town with the giddy optimism of gold rushers from a bygone era.

natural dilaudid spring
A naturally-occurring Dilaudid spring in the Alps

The surreal scene was sparked by Grindelwald native Florian Glauser’s recent discovery of a small pond high in the Alps outside of town.  Glauser nearly hiked right past the pond without giving it a second thought, but an intoxicating gas bubbling up from its steamy surface stopped him in his tracks.

“A wave of deep enchantment overcame me,” Glauser said.  “I scooped a sip from the pond’s water with my bare hands, and in mere minutes, it produced the sensation of a hundred baby angels fanning me with tropical air while the Dalai Lama sang a sonnet about the meaning of life.”

“I awoke hours later, in the freezing cold, dark night.  I took another, much smaller sip to sustain me for the hike back to town.  I heard Beethoven’s ‘Ode To Joy’ for the entire four-mile descent.  I either heard it or hummed it myself, I couldn’t tell you.”

After arriving back to town, Glauser couldn’t keep the secret for long.  He and three friends were back the next morning, and news of the mythical spring spread like wildfire.  Americans are now arriving to Grindelwald in unprecedented numbers.

Anthony “Clown Baby” Deruzzi, 36, of Ewing, New Jersey arrived last week and was reached for comment.  “I knew I had to get here immediately.  This is Shangri-La and The Big Rock Candy Mountain rolled into one.  I came equipped with four 50 mcg fentanyl patches and twelve 2 mg Xanax bars for the climb, and I barely made it to the top before running out.”

“I was sucking on the last fentanyl patch, doubting the spring ever existed and certain I would die on that mountain when I saw the steam.  I knew I was hallucinating, but Pink Floyd’s ‘Comfortably Numb’ became louder with each step as I neared the pond.  I have no idea how long I spent up there on that first trip, or even how many times I have hiked up.  This is my new home – it is heaven on Earth.”

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  • Jake Ho

    After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Casca

    “I gots my rights , you know ! EMTALA ! EMTALA !”

  • Avatar
    Melissa Bishop

    HAHAHA!

  • Avatar
    Jessica McNamee

    It can be like Palm Springs, only for people who have “dilaudidism”.

  • Avatar
    Pete Marie Digger

    Lol not meeee…I’m allergic :)

  • Avatar
    husaria

    Where is the TV remote? I need my pain med. 20 / 10 pain right now and the Knicks game is on.

  • Avatar
    husaria

    News Update……

    The Swiss have now closed the trail to ” lake dilaudid ” as it has been drained. It appears large groups of American DSP’s or DST’s ( drug seeking patients / tourists ) have swilled, guzzled, shotgunned the entire lake. There are only mud flats left at this time. Some of the fish in the lake were dried, rolled and smoked in a pipe.

    Swiss authorities will re-assess opening the trail when lake levels rise to normal levels. DSP’s could be heard saying ” You guys used to be cool. Now, I can’t get no dilaudid from yooze. Not cool. I’m sure if the French had a lake dilaudid they would give me my meds. Who is on night shift tonight? I know they will be way cooler than you “

  • Avatar
    Jess Hiltenbrand

    Sydney Lauren Rogers Sara Myers

  • Avatar
    Beth D’Onofrio

    I like this concept! Maybe I could start a diluted greenhouse for daily therapeutic walks!!!!!

  • Avatar
    Catherine Rebecca

    Be careful all your “allergies” don’t kick in on the way.

  • Avatar
    Lorraine Chapman

    I wanna go there

  • Avatar
    Kelly Hemken

    Is that a ham sandwich cart I see on the distant shore?

  • Avatar
    Kelly Fabian

    Are those beautiful flower petals just 2 mg tabs in disguise??

  • Avatar
    Vashta Nerada

    I hope it’s GMO free, and gluten free.

  • Avatar
    Sarfraz Nawaz Chaudree

    This is crazily amazing satire !!!

  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    So I replied to a comment above mentioning Hoverrounds before I saw your comment! Haha

  • Avatar
    Gomerblog

    Hoveround 4x4s are selling out

  • Avatar
    Jon Paul

    Kelly Fabian

  • Avatar
    Jon Paul

    Kelly Fabian

  • Avatar
    Tallix Von Hayden

    they call it the fibromyalgia spring.

  • Avatar
    Tallix Von Hayden

    they call it the fibromyalgia spring.

  • Avatar
    Natalia Hernandez-Hidden

    I’d like to put flyers about this place in the WR. Go be Switzerland’s problem.

  • Avatar
    Natalia Hernandez-Hidden

    I’d like to put flyers about this place in the WR. Go be Switzerland’s problem.

  • Avatar
    Adrian Miclea

    Pshh, how am I gonna get ANY relief if you cant push it FAASSTTT!!!

  • Avatar
    Rebecca Johnson

    Flight vouchers are available….;)

  • Avatar
    Shela Moser Rogers

    Oh boy! Flight prices just went up! Lol

  • Avatar
    Keith Pochick

    They should plow and pave a path for Hoverrounds (TM).

  • Avatar
    Stephanie Larson Stricker

    Lmao

  • Avatar
    Mary Bordelon

    FOR REAL? OMG I’M SURPRISED THEY DON’T HAVE A LOT OF OD’S!

  • Avatar
    Shannon Tinney

    Hahahhahahah!!!

  • Avatar
    Steve Stewart

    CANNONBALLLL!!!

  • Avatar
    Brandy Acklin Bradford

    All the frequent flyers please!! My back my head my abdominal migraines!!!

  • Avatar
    Caitlin Dwyer McDonnell

    Medicaid Flight time is anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours.

  • Avatar
    Jeremy Castle

    my mom’s walking there right now

  • Avatar
    Joe Madden

    Hilarious!

  • Avatar
    Zoey Olin

    Hopefully we don’t have to arrange flights for medicaid patients…

  • Avatar
    Zoey Olin

    LMAO!!

  • Avatar
    Claire MacNaughton-White

    And Medicaid will totally cover the flight there.

  • Avatar
    Laurie Ann

    Hahaha

  • Avatar
    Barbara Alcorn

    Lol

  • Avatar
    Allie Nun Ofurbeewax

    Magically all chronic pain resolves while hiking to the spring.

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