EAST ORANGE, NJ – The Pez candy company announced its first upgraded dispenser design in decades last week, as the candymaker looks to tap into the immense market of opioid-dependent consumers across the globe.
Starting next month, narcotic lovers can get their fix from the hyperextended neck of their favorite Marvel Comics villian, muppet, or Disney Princess. The spring-loaded candy dispenser had its dimensions altered to specifically accommodate twenty Percocet or Dilaudid tablets.
William Wonkstein, CEO of PEZ, was reached for comment. “Sales of our product have soured (pun intended) over the past few years. Our dispensers do not lend themselves well to dispensing today’s popular chocolate or sour gummy candies. We knew it was a case of our company either adapting or becoming obsolete. Pills are perfect for our dispensers, and after learning that 35% of the developed world’s population take chronic narcotics, it didn’t take a marketing genius for us to decide what to do. We expect huge sales in the U.S., as 65% of Americans are either opioid dependent or outright opioid abusers.”
Pez will market the Marvel villain dispensers to opioid-dependent parents of small children, since the heads of The Joker, Green Goblin, et al will frighten the children away from tampering with them. “The health and safety of our narcotic dependent consumers and their families is our number one concern,” Wonkstein asserted.
Plans for customized Xanax dispensers with the head of Catwoman are reportedly in the works. “What better way to appeal to all those sedative-dependent crazy cat ladies?” Wonkstein winked slyly.