camera crew for inspections

NFL Grants Seahawks’ Team Physician Access to Randomly Check Brady’s Balls

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NEW YORK, NY – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced yesterday his plan to address the New England Patriots’ latest veiled attempt to bend league rules to their team’s advantage.  News broke shortly after the Patriots 45-7 romp over Indianapolis that Pats’ QB Tom Brady played the game with illegal balls.  Brady, 37, allegedly played the entire game with flaccid, sagging, and wrinkled balls.

camera crew for inspections
Crews get ready to catch all the action

While many players older than Brady have had brilliant games late in their respective careers, the San Mateo, California product and University of Michigan grad may forever have to answer critics’ questions about his old, aging, limp balls.  Goodell’s Friday press conference included news of his bold decision to allow the Seahawks’ team physician unlimited access to the Patriots’ locker room and sideline during pre-game, halftime, and TV timeouts for random inspection of the New England QB’s balls.

Seahawks’ team physician, Dr. Turner Heddinkoph, was reached for comment shortly after the commissioner’s statement.

“I accept the responsibility to help keep this Super Bowl fair.  I fully understand that the league is giving me access to the opponent’s locker room and sideline because I have limited knowledge of football scheme and strategy.”

“But if there is anything I have a full grasp of, it is the proper condition of the balls and when a ball is abnormal.  I plan to thoroughly inspect Tom Brady’s balls before and at regular intervals throughout the game.  I will note the size, turgor, weight, and if need be, I will insert a needle into Brady’s balls to measure IBP (intra-ball pressure).  I plan on being meticulous.  The temperature in Arizona will certainly present no excuse for Brady to play with undersized, flaccid balls.  That strategy may have worked when the temperature was in the 40’s in Boston on Sunday, but it won’t next weekend.”

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  • Jake Ho

    After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.

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