iv fluid

Voluven to Make Comeback as an Axillary Roll

  • 1.1K
    Shares

NEWCASTLE, AUSTRALIA – The end seemed nigh for Voluven.  The volume expander has been on the ropes after large clinical trials demonstrated increased risks of acute kidney injury and need for dialysis following its use in critically ill patients.  In addition to being contraindicated in burns, liver disease, trauma, intracranial haemorrhage, coagulopathy, and sepsis, the hapless colloid appeared to be a touch on the lethal side in the sort of sick, the vaguely unwell, and the pretty-good-thanks-but-got-a-touch-of-the-sniffles population.

That was until groundbreaking research released today in the Hunter Valley of NSW.  An analysis of 4,379 axillary rolls placed over a 9-month period in a 15 theatre complex, heralded an unlikely comeback for the Fresenius-Kabi flagship.  In a head-to-head trial with traditional stalwarts Hartmanns solution and a rolled-up Newcastle Herald, the long-suffering starch came up trumps, with a significantly lower incidence of post-op skin necrosis and a vanishingly low number of brachial plexus injuries. (p = 0.001).

HNELHD head of Anaesthetic Research, Prof J Dimbleby explains:

“We aren’t really sure what’s going on but it just seems to work.  In all honesty we were trying to figure out what the hell to do with the 8,500 or so bags of Voluven sitting around in storage waiting to expire, so we thought we’d give it a try,” said the clearly-surprised scientist.

“The really amazing thing was that we came up with a use for the white port.  You know, the one with the little label that says, ‘Under no circumstances use this port’?  We figured that couldn’t be right.  Turns out it is incredibly robust and good for forcibly removing the bag under the weight of a 250-kg. patient.  And let’s face it, we have no shortage of nutritional over-achievers in this part of the world.”

New studies are looking at also using Voluven on the labor deck for left lateral displacement of pregnant patients and as a wrist extender for radial arterial line placement.

image_pdfimage_print
  • Gomerblog Team

    This author is actually a group of authors that contribute. Many famous Gomerblog authors have published here later to have their works printed under their real name. Maybe one day you too could be part of the Gomerblog team

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    Jan M Davies

    “: Voluven to Make Comeback as Axillary Roll http://t.co/eXvXzBdgie #foamed http://t.co/HUsDSjlUOJ” Better out than in? @pmgjones

  • Avatar
    Katie Jane Woodhouse

    Freeze them and use them for musculoskeletal injuries. Or as giant icecubes for the punch bowl.

  • Avatar
    Sean Doherty

    Stolen from the sick bay, two frozen Voluven bags popped into a pillowcase can be used to knock the fuck out of rival prison gang members.

  • Avatar
    Kim Dixon

    I have my suspicions Michael!

  • Avatar
    Kim Dixon

    I have my suspicions Michael!

  • Avatar
    Michael Julian

    I wonder which smart arse wrote this…

  • Avatar
    Kim Dixon

    Tim Johnson Liz Przybylski

  • Avatar
    Richard Fauchon

    That’s gold!! Now I know what the white port is for. Cod never quite get that piece of manufacturing brilliance

  • Avatar
    Kim Dixon

    Jessica Dakai Claire Mansfield Melissa Bates Sara Davenport Richard Fauchon Victoria Hamilton-Russell

  • Avatar
    Richard Ogden

    Far too hard…anaesthetist pillow must be filled from the down of 1000 cygnets, and no more.

  • Avatar
    Richard Ogden

    Sniper target…50cal at 1000yrds

  • Avatar
    Kathleen Bylsma

    Oh geez…

  • Avatar
    Lucie Filteau

    A pillow for the anesthesiologist!

  • Avatar
    Phillip L Baldwin

    Now that’s good stuff

  • Avatar
    Jeanne Sincavage

    Too funny…especially the section about using the white port…

  • Avatar
    Kristina Wehnke Rosu

    Awesome!

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

on call

AMiON Scheduler To Be Replaced With A Simplified Text Saying ‘Yes’

124SharesNEWTON, MA – In a move aimed at reducing operative costs, Spiral software’s administrative staff ...

disappointed doctor

Following $2 Million Lottery Win, Doctors Still in Debt

565SharesWASHINGTON, DC – After months of pooling their money and purchasing lottery tickets, a ...

orthopedic surgeon orthopedics orthopaedics

How to Ace Your Ortho Residency Interview

3KShares 1. Know your favorite bone. Nothing looks worse for an applicant than showing ...

Judas blames Anesthesia

Judas Blames Betrayal of Jesus on Anesthesia

186SharesJERUSALEM – Judas Iscariot, who notoriously betrayed Jesus for thirty pieces of silver, has absolved ...