eject button

New “Eject” Button Expedites ED Discharges

  • 6.8K
    Shares

HARTFORD, CT – In a stunning combination of social work finesse and aeronautical engineering, one local hospital’s ED has patented the first “Eject” button in medical history.

eject button
We at GomerBlog would push this button ALL the time!

This progressive move spawned from a previously-explored Quality Improvement Initiative whereby challenging patients were identified with wristbands.  In spite of this stigmatizing label, these patients have demonstrated the impervious resilience of a fighter pilot by returning to the ED for pain meds and head CT scans.

Dr. Kristina “Maverick” Patterson has applauded this technology since day 1.  “We bring so many patients in by air, honestly I’m surprised we haven’t used this as an exit strategy,” she tells reporters at GomerBlog.  The exit strategy, of course, being a swift aerial launch of repugnant persons from ED beds 1 to 8.

When an “ejectable patient” is first identified, they are asked to switch into a more comfortable gown.  These more comfortable gowns have a built in parachute in the back that looks like a neck pillow attachment.  After changing into the gown, any provider can hit the eject button which starts a sequence of events leading to the ceiling opening followed by a controlled explosion under the gurney that launches the patient 200+ yards up into the sky.  The parachute should open and carry them far away from the hospital.

Hospital representatives say the technology has dramatically reduced ED provider time, thereby increasing the efficiency of “real” healthcare delivery.  Despite the impressively high overhead, overall ED expenditures in the last quarter have dropped by a remarkable 45%.  ED Chief Tom Skerritt has announced his next step to apply for NIH funding of an additional 28 “Aerobeds.”

No adverse events have been reported to date as parachutes are attached to patients before the ejection button is hit.  Interns are even sent out into the field to retrieve the Aerobeds and parachutes afterwards.

image_pdfimage_print
  • Jimothy Dalton

    Most famous for his invention of the reflex, Jimothy Dalton is best characterized by his flippant demeanor and quizzical facial expressions. He is grateful for his Arkansan upbringing which painted his education wholly Creationist and fruitfully agrarian. Despite his frontal lobotomy, Jimothy remains gleefully productive in the fields of Netflix rentals, underwear modeling, and bouncy castles. When he isn’t writing for gomerblog, he’s dealing with patients. And thinking about what he’s going to write next for gomerblog.

  • Show Comments

  • Avatar
    B

    wish there was one for Stepdown & ICU transfers…& 1 for floor discharges @boredERdoc

  • Avatar
    Mark McCartney

    interesting way to cut ED waiting times

  • Avatar
    Kathy Shreve

    Too funny.

  • Avatar
    Zoey Olin

    Every ER should have one of these

  • Avatar
    Zoey Olin

    Every ER should have one of these

  • Avatar
    Ashley Bautista

    Lmao!

  • Avatar
    Luis Lemus

    Adam Dauer Erick Muller Redmond Stephan Laura Santana Holly Goodin Osmond Eslava now we just need one for the prehospital setting

  • Avatar
    Anissa Brancato Buckley

    Amanda Preston Johnston this is for you. Wish it were true. Happy Easter.

  • Avatar
    Karin Cartwright

    “The parachute should open” hee hee

  • Avatar
    Tamara ‘MaRa’ Weathers

    Omg that would be comical

  • Avatar
    Amanda Manda

    Hahahahaha Tamara ‘MaRa’ Weathers Dan Elle Wilkinson Jenna Lauren

  • Avatar
    Charlene Rowles

    We once had a faulty stretcher in ER that would not lie flat- kept popping everyone back into high fowlers position. We called it our Gomer ejector stretcher. Priceless article. Thanks for the memories!

  • Avatar
    Sam Travis

    Morgan Hekele

  • Avatar
    Prudence Scott

    Joy Fyrne forget the bell, Let’s try this on our floor !!

  • Avatar
    Marshall McGough

    We got an eject button, it’s called Security

  • Avatar
    Ashleigh Grimm

    Tracy Mouser this is perfect!

  • Avatar
    Amanda Moore DeJohn

    Paul DeJohn

  • Avatar
    Laura Good Journagan Wait

    Lol!

  • Avatar
    Sheri Lochridge Connett

    You don’t gotta go home but you can’t stay here!

  • Avatar
    Courtney Parker Fischer

    Sarah Harris

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

comment *

  • name *

  • email *

  • website *

You May Also Like

sick patient

Emergency Medicine Attending Fails to Admit Old Man, Resigns

2.4KSharesBLOOMINGTON, IN – Emergency medicine attending, Dr. Howard Rugers, announced his retirement yesterday after ...

What Medical Moms Really Want This Mother’s Day

572SharesWe recently met with a few medical moms and compiled a list of what ...