HOLY SMOKES, NC – According to GomerBlog sources at GQ, it is true. Rabies vaccines cause doggie autism. The news came following a monumental publication by Dr. Andrew Wakefield in Lancet: Cynology last Tuesday.
After losing his license to practice human medicine, Wakefield, now out of the ICU after contracting measles, sought educational refuge in the only medical discipline neglected by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration: veterinary medicine. As part of his training at the University of Phoenix Online Academy of Veterinary and Other Sciences, he was expected to conduct one clinical research project prior to his upcoming graduation in May 2015. His aim: to corroborate previously-published findings that vaccines cause autism.
Veterinary neurologist, Bambi Sanchez, is one of several to challenge the avant-garde methodology found in Wakefield’s newest study. “A dog licking his balls is not unusual,” she attests. “Do you call the vet for every hole dug in your backyard?” Others have claimed Wakefield’s method of parallel butt sniffing to be ingenious and innovative.
Social media has erupted in outrage knowing that veterinarians intentionally incapacitate our adorable pups with their foul needles. Welsh Corgi aficionado, Jared Leto, posted his heartbroken comments publicly on Facebook while SPCA spokesperson, Sarah McLachlan, recently tweeted, “Feeling pooped. #whoknew2015.”
When asked about the benefits of the rabies vaccine, McLachlan maintains, “Rabies is just not worth fighting anymore. I mean, how many people get rabies these days?” PETA has formally endorsed the picketing of major rabies vaccine manufacturers, resulting in innumerable volunteer positions made available to undergraduate dropouts. Although some facilities refuse to halt production, the SPCA reminds them, “Our bite is worse than our bark.”
Wakefield has announced his follow-up project will expose a causal relationship between flea collars and the falsified chocolate allergy.