HUNTERSVILLE, NC – Last week, emergency medical crews accepted a new challenge in this suburban North Carolina community.  At the behest of health care administrators who decided that patient satisfaction data collection is “the top priority for our system,” Huntersville EMS units will now deliver and collect patient satisfaction surveys.

ambulanceCrews will run “lights and sirens” both to and from residences of patients recently treated in local hospitals in order to expedite collection and tabulation of the precious data.

Local paramedic Jared Mauldines was reached for comment.  “These are high priority calls; survey delivery trumps a chest pain, and is on par with an unresponsive patient activation.  One of the crew members drives, lights and sirens, to the address of a recently discharged patient given by dispatch.”

“The other crew member prepares the survey itself, affixes it to a clipboard, and checks the office supply kit.  We typically bring in at least 3 BIC ballpoint pens, a fresh can of Wite-Out, and a fully-loaded Swingline stapler.  We assist the patient in any way possible in filling out their survey, including reading and explaining questions if necessary.  When the survey is complete, we give the patient a $20 gift card for Wal-Mart or Target, carefully strap the survey to our stretcher, load up, and roll.”

The city expects a 200% increase in transport times of actual patients, but fully justifies this due to a projected 75% increase in satisfaction survey responses.

Jake Ho
After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.