LOS ANGELES, CA – News of the Ashley Madison adultery website data leak is possibly leading to an unexpected surge in hospital resource utilization today, although the precise cause of the admissions remains unclear. Dr. Giver, the ED attending on duty, reported the admissions were unlike anything he had ever seen.
“I have men and women coming in, three, four, even five at a time. I couldn’t keep up,” Dr. Giver reported. “They would all come in with vague complaints. Some would report pain but yet bypass the bowl of Percocet in the waiting room.”
“Even when told of our ‘Ask for Dilaudid, Get Dilaudid, No Questions Asked‘ policy, the vast majority refused, instead muttering something about needing to ‘lay low for a while’ and asking about the visitor restriction policies.
While the two events seem to correlate perfectly, hospital statistician Dr. Numbers urged caution. “We all know that correlation does not imply causation,” he said. “Even though huge numbers of patients are unexpectedly showing up at hospitals with vague complaints and expecting admission on the day of the leak, it in no way implies that the two are linked,” Dr. Numbers said quite emphatically.
Meanwhile, Dr. Giver continued seeing a new stream of patients, whose sole desire seemed to be gaining admission to the hospital and restricting visitors.