To combat falling patient satisfaction scores and record staff turnover administration at Grace Disciple Advent Mother Mary Incarnate Theresa hospital (G-DAMMIT) has scheduled a mandatory Summer Camp for providers.
Patient family tug of war – providers must conclude a goals of care discussion before an aged patriarch is literally pulled apart by opposing members of his family
Dilaudid craft time – Participants will craft excuses to not give patients IV dilaudid
Three legged isolation gown race – Providers will race from one mock isolation room to the next with an infection prevention nurse literally tied on yelling at them to tie the gown in the back and to use more sanitizer while Happy Birthday plays over camp speakers.
Pager ringtone campfire sing along -Favorites include “DNR by CCR”, “Achy Breaky Congested Failing Heart”, as well as newer tunes like “Pt heard something on Dr. Oz and wants to try it”
Dispo limbo – Hospitalists limbo with other services including neurology, cardiology, surgery, and orthopedics and the winner gets to pick where the patient ends up. Unless the winner is the hospitalist…they keep the patient.
Admission dodging – Round 1 is all about dodging admissions and transfers from colleagues and other services. Round 2 pits the wiliest hospitalists versus the most cunning emergency medicine folks around.
Stool sculpting – Attendees are encouraged to bring their hardest most clay like movements. The winner will be glazed and kiln fired.
Athletic competitions include:
Trust falls versus mechanical falls and a paracentesis race where the first to 5L wins
Camp concludes with a MRSA formal where the remaining participants get paired with their contact isolation type
Administrators also announced plans to let well educated patients manage clinical duties during the summer camp.