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WASHINGTON:  Surprising revelations keep coming from the red planet, as NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter (MRO) was able to direct one of the Mars surface rovers to a river it spotted last week.  The rover Curiosity analyzed the river’s liquid, with shocking results.

mars essential oils“Our data from samples collected by Curiosity indicate that there is at least one river of essential oils flowing on Mars,” said Stewart Samuelson, Ph.D., Chairman of NASA’s Mars Exploration Division.

“The samples contain a mixture of Cardamom, Chamomile, ginger root, and lemongrass oils.  This is even stronger evidence that our red neighbor can not only support life, but a life free from sickness, sadness, and pain.”

The essential oil discovery comes on the heels of the MRO’s images obtained of flowing water two days prior.  Wealthy American and European essential oil consumers are jubilant about the news.  “These products are essential to life, just like it says on the bottles.  This is further proof for all the doubters!” exclaimed Kimberly Weston, a Northern Virginia mom who boasts a plethora of tiny brown bottles containing the miracle substances.

Excitement surrounding the breakthrough had begun to fuel a grassroots push for migration to Mars, but enthusiasm was dampened after Curiosity discovered a dune made of gluten shortly thereafter.

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Jake Ho
After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.