With the recent release from NSA data-mining archives proving that whole milk is indeed better than skim milk for cardiovascular health, dieticians throughout the nation are in a panic. Right and left they are tearing up all their guidance that insists that all people should eat nothing but sawdust and antioxidant juices.
The current Mayor of New York has just mandated that fat be added to all 32 ounce soft drinks sold in the city.
Cheerios jumped to add to their box, “An excellent natural source of fat.”
CocaCola has leaked plans to launch “New Diet Coke”, supplemented with both milk fat and, in anticipation of forthcoming data, bacon.
“We always had to milk the data for everything it was worth to try to show that cholesterol was bad, all so big pharma could sell more blockbuster drugs to people who don’t need them. We just decided to give up when it came to milk fat.” This from the principal author of the newly drafted recommendations, who was scared to be named. “We now have permission to say that fat is good for you. So that’s what we are saying.”
Some disagree. Julie Wernicke from the Gaia Planetary Defense Fund noted that the new findings should have been vigorously suppressed. “They should never have announced this,” she proclaimed with righteous anger. “This will increase demand for dairy products. That means more cows and in turn more bovine-produced methane. Methane will increase both global warming and climate change.”
Others have rallied around Ms. Wernicke, and a million-human march is planned in an effort to convince the USDA to overturn the new data by fiat, as well as to ban cows. Except organic cows, which Ms. Wernicke has decided are okay.
Bernie Sanders chimed in quickly. “This is nothing for you all to worry about. When I am president, I will determine for you the correct amount of dietary fat.” His statement was met with rousing applause.
“Clearly the genetic makeup of Americans has changed since the previous government nutritional mandates were developed,” announced the secretary to the Secretary of Agriculture in an effort to avoid apologizing for thirty years of uninterrupted errors. The Department of Agriculture overseas the routinely faulty government nutritional wisdom, until Homeland Security takes over the USDA next month.
Dairy farmers are ecstatic. “We know whole milk is the most perfect food,” said one farmer. “Humans are the only species that feeds their children the milk of another species. It’s what makes us special.”
President Obama shrugged and said, “Yep, the US Government pretty much always gets it wrong. But mark my words, we won’t stop now. I am sending a bill to Congress to increase dairy farm subsidies. If Congress won’t act, I will.”
While all the power players on Capitol Hill and throughout the nation position themselves to make new rules based on the new data, little Timmy Clancy—only four years old—sits on a park bench sipping at his milk. Every day he wonders how his milk might affect his cardiovascular health.
John Hunt, MD is a pediatric pulmonologist, allergist, immunologist, and author of a satirical medical novel, “Assume the Physician” and the just released book, “Your Child’s Asthma – A Guide for Parents.” Profits from sales of the book support his non-profit Trusted Angels Foundation, helping orphanages, schools and entrepreneurs in Liberia, West Africa.