Placebo Gene Discovered, Thousands of Studies Invalid

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CLEVELAND, OH – In what many are describing as the biggest biology discovery since DNA’s double helix, researchers have discovered the placebo gene.

A team of researchers discovered a gene that reacts to sugar in ways that we never thought possible. In the lab it was noticed that activating the gene, via placebo, starts enzymes that do anything from fighting diseases to prevent side effects. A clear indication something in the body changes when given a placebo.

Dr. Kimmy Remmington, the woman credited for its discovery told reporters, “I am shocked we didn’t discover this earlier, when you give a baby some glucose before their circumcision they do much better than without.” Although a direct correlation into adult patients has yet to be perfected for this application, the first adult surgery using just glucose as an anesthetic went horribly wrong.

“We found the gene is activated faster via the oral route versus IV,” she went on further. “The IV route upregulated the gene more often-than-not when the researcher said, ‘I’m injecting dilaudid now,’ even though it was a placebo.”

Because virtually every researcher uses a placebo, the discovery has invalidated “essentially every study that has ever been published.”

“We don’t know if a placebo made the disease worse, or maybe made it better,” Dr. Remmington said. “Therefore did the drug in question actually help if it performed worse than placebo? Or did the drug hurt if it performed better than placebo?” Referring to diabetes drugs, when taking a placebo it somehow raises the blood sugar unexpectedly. In fact, a diet containing only placebos produces type 2 diabetes.

“This is an exciting time for medicine, we are essentially at the stone-age with knowing what works and what doesn’t,” Remmington said with excitement and wonder. “Every medication will have to be off generic and back on patent -once we figure out what they do of course.”

Disclosure: Dr. Remmington’s research was funded by every major pharmaceutical company.

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    Lord Vincent Lockwell, a medival surgeon, started Gomerblog in 1388. He went for a walk in the alps to get away from the bubonic plague in what is now considered southren Germany when a tragic acident occured. The avalanche did not kill him but froze him for over 500 years. He was thawed and now continues to report on medical news.

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