WASHINGTON, DC – During a press conference yesterday, Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy admitted that, although very important, condoms do in fact “kinda suck.”
The announcement comes as a surprise admission of what has widely been known for years among, medical professionals, lay people, and teenagers alike. “There is a veritable mountain of literature that supports latex condoms as being important in the prevention and transmission of STDs. However, we now go one step further in admitting that there are some downsides to condoms.”
Dr. Murthy went on to discuss these so called downsides.
“We all know how awkward it can be to stop in the middle of a heated tryst to put a condom on. I mean, do you stop and ask? Or do just grab one, throw it on, and hope your partner is thinking the same thing? The Surgeon General has no answer for this issue with condoms.” He paused. “Oh, and heaven help you if you initially put the condom on upside down. You look like an idiot.”
“And that’s before you actually start having sex,” he continued. “I mean come on, we need to admit, sex with a condom on is like going to the movies with a blindfold on. Sure, it’s better than no movie, but is it fair to even compare the two? Ever play catch while wearing oven mitts? Its kinda fun, but not satisfying, if you know what I mean.”
Still Dr. Murthy stressed the importance of the veritable sexual wet blanket. “Condoms may suck, but they save lives, so use them.”
The conference concluded with questions from the press.
“Yeah… Ummm you should probably use condoms for oral sex too. “ Dr. Murthy then proceeded to sit in a reflective yet pained silence. “I’m sorry.”
