‘Twas the Night After Christmas
‘Twas the night after Christmas, at the front of the house,
The parents were lined up, all running their mouths.
Neb tubing was hung from the med cart with care
For all of the wheezers soon to be there
The children were screaming, hiding under the beds
While visions of throat cultures danced in their heads
And the doc in her blue scrubs, and the nurse in her black,
Were resigned to a nightmare, an all-night attack.
When down in room two, there arose such a clatter
I got up from my chair to see what was the matter.
Away to the patient I drew like a flash
laceration? bad fracture? a real itchy rash?
From the way he was acting, you’d think he was dying
But can I figure out why he just won’t stop crying?
When what to my wandering eyes did appear
In the wait room – of course! Eight more patients are here!
With parents who want Instant cures super-quick
No doubt in my mind, they’re all desperately sick!
More rapid than eagles, my orders they came
And I typed, as I shouted, and called them by name
‘On antibiotics you go, I’ll prescribe Zithromax!
On Proventil you go for your asthma attacks!’
‘To the drug store you go – not for scripts, I don’t call
Now dash away, dash away! Dash away all!
So proud of myself that my mood did not sour
As I saw 18 patients in barely 3 hours
So out to the garage, healthy kiddies they flew
With fists full of paperwork, and glad parents too!
And then, for a moment, I heard no doorbell
And thought ‘soon we’ll escape this packed-wait-room hell’
As I caught up on charts, the night seemed to turn ’round
When yet one more patient raced in with a bound
She was dressed in pajamas, from her head to her toes
As was all her family – why be in public in clothes?
She skips down the hall, that rules out meningitis
Climbing onto the bed says it’s not tendonitis
TM’s aren’t bulging, there’s no rhinorrhea
Mom denies any history of diarrhea
The kid isn’t puking, there isn’t a cough
So far I can’t figure out what must be off
Her tonsils aren’t swollen, her lungs are so clear
There isn’t a fever, why on earth is she here?
I thought to myself, this must be a trick
How the hell is this patient supposed to be sick?
As I studied with wonder those bright rosy cheeks
Mom says ‘belly’s been hurting at times…for three weeks.’
Three weeks? But why bother your nice PMD
When at ten on a Saturday, you can come bother me?
With normal bowel sounds, and a non-tender belly
That shook when I palpated, a bowl full of jelly.
Not a damn thing was wrong, it was so plain to see
As I raced off to order a stat KUB
It full all of poop, I was armed with the facts
That mom needs a clue and kid needs Miralax
As I wrote out the script I saw with happy shock
That our sentence is up – it’s eleven o’clock!
No more colds, no more cough. No more strep, no more rash.
Watch me run to my car like the hundred-yard dash.
This clinic is closed and this doc’s outta here
Happy Christmas to all! Time to go drink a beer.