ATLANTA, GA – The CDC has confirmed that a new anxiety syndrome has reached epidemic levels among parents nationwide.  Panic Disorder, Forgot to Move “Elf on the Shelf” Variant awakens afflicted patients in a cold sweat with palpitations between the hours of 2 and 5 am.  Maggie Sweeney, a 34 year-old Georgia native and mother of three, was recently diagnosed with PaDi-FoTMEOTS and spoke with GomerBlog about her harrowing experience.

elf on shelf
“Did we move the Elf last night??”

“Over the past few years throughout the month of December, I wake up terrified with my heart racing and short of breath wondering if I had moved Ellie the Elfette to a new location before I went to bed.  I know the kids will get suspicious if they wake up to find her in the same spot.”

“Enough episodes of me stammering through some BS excuse will surely lead them to question the existence of elves, reindeer, and Santa himself.  Worse yet, I’m not ready for my husband and I to be discovered as the pathological liars we are for perpetuating this myth upon them.”

“I quickly tiptoe downstairs to find Ellie, then try to take a mental inventory of where I last placed her and whether her current location is new to her or not.  Invariably, I move her just to be sure.  Since my husband and I both are both diagnosed with PaDi-FoTMEOTS, it isn’t unusual for Ellie to get moved three or four times each night to maintain the ruse.  It is exhausting.”

Sweeny went on to describe a close call on a night she didn’t wake up on her own, but her smoke detector began chirping due to a low battery.  “After spending 15 foggy minutes fumbling around to find and change the battery, I went and moved Ellie.  It was the only time I felt fortunate to be rousted out in the middle of the night by that damned thing.”

Jake Ho
After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.