With No Mega Millions Winner, Millions of Healthcare Professionals Begrudgingly Show Up to Work

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CHICAGO, IL – Many, if not every single health care professional, woke up this morning before heading to work and checked to see if they won the latest Mega Millions.  Not one single winner occurred in last night’s record-breaking drawing.

At publication time, mass disappointment was spreading through every medical specialty and medical profession as ticket numbers were frantically being checked in the dark as people awakened.

Workers currently at the hospital are reporting tearing up their tickets and placing them in bilious NG tube suction containers.  One even sent their losing tickets in the pneumatic tube system followed by a quick punch to the system keyboard to randomly whisk the losing tickets somewhere, anywhere.

“Damn, looks like I’m going to head in this morning,” stated respiratory therapist Nancy Bipapkins.  I am going to have to suction those thick secretions from Mr. Jones ET tube all day today after all, dammit.”

“I had even practiced my call in sick voice for today,” a coughing med-surgery nurse Tom Mallery detailed.  “I practiced it pretty hard yesterday.  You know what, I’m still going to call in sick today after all. Screw this hospital!”

How to read your losing Mega Millions Ticket

  • Doktor Schnabel

    Plague doctor from 1622 who practices blood letting and medical satire. My beak has mint leaves and straw to protect myself from the plague...plus it looks good.

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