CAMBRIDGE, MA – Citing practical reasons, 41-year-old renowned chemist and laboratory researcher Charles Kenzington, Ph.D. has formally ended his three-decade quest to discover a compound to destroy all malignant cells.

chemistThe decorated scientist instead plans to concentrate on finding a drug to produce a prolific and lasting erection.  Dr. Kenzington sat down with Gomerblog last week for an interview.

“Let’s be honest, curing a single form of cancer is quite difficult.  It was a lofty and probably unrealistic goal when, at age 12, I vowed to myself that I would eradicate cancer from the Earth.  I worked tirelessly in the classroom and lab and I made some crucial advances, but it isn’t feasible anymore.  Plus, there’s not nearly as much money in cancer as there is in making erectile dysfunction drugs.”

“With cancer, the patient either ends up cured or dead, and either way they are no longer a customer.  These days, the money is in treating symptoms, not diseases.  If I can create a compound that consistently produces a 3 hour, but no longer than 4-hour erection, I will have found the holy grail of American clinical pharmacology.”

Jake Ho
After 10 years spent fighting the unwinnable war that is Emergency Medicine in America, an "ER doctor" left medicine altogether and joined a Buddhist temple in Tibet, changing his name to "Jake Ho." He found the peaceful solitude he achieved to be the antithesis of years spent dealing with unreasonable requests and reprimands from patients, families, hospital administrators, and consultants. The vows of celibacy and silence he took are largely mitigated by the blogging and internet porn made possible thanks to the temple's excellent Wi-Fi connection.