holistic medicine

Area Lactose-Intolerant Holistic Practitioner Has Severe Lactic Acidosis

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SEPSIS BUNDLE HOSPITAL, CO – Area holistic practitioner Suzi Budzinsky-Donnitz-Sham-Meyers CPA, PhD, RN was unfortunately hospitalized today.  While she has been severely lactose intolerant for her entire life, it was reported her current serum lactic acid is 40 mg/dl.

holistic medicineThe unfortunate series of events began several days prior to admission, when Dr. BDSM micturated and noted discomfort with urination, urinary frequency and an odor that can be best described as African Lioness Estrus-cycle with a turbid consistency of rancid tapioca pudding.

Her extensive clinical experience both as a holistic Raki practitioner and a pharmaceutical stocker at CVS clued her in to what was going on.

“I immediately knew this was a urinary tract infection; I get them frequently, especially after my thrice-weekly all-natural lye soap colon cleanses.”

A stop at the local all-natural food and herb co-op ensued, and after rejecting St. John’s Wort for its overt Catholic tendencies (BDSM is a Wiccan) she ultimately decided on what has become one of the most powerful antibiotics in her diverse stable: gluten-free gluten extract.  Sadly, even with GFGE her fever progressed and a generalized tonic-clonic seizure resulted in a trip to the local emergency department.

After a lengthy wait and being placed in a hallway hold bed, Dr. BDSM was eventually seen by the emergency medicine intern, Dr. Skayred Shytleff.

Days later in the ICU, after being successfully treated for sepsis, Dr. BDSM’s sensorium eventually cleared enough for her to stop semi-consciously abusing herself and calling out to her little Yorkie-Komondor mix “Wizard”, she discovered that her lactic acid level had peaked around 40 mg/dl.  “Needless to say, I was shocked and appalled; I’m allergic to lactose and they let my lactic acid level get so high? Well they almost killed me!”

“On top of the malpractice that almost killed me, their “Triple C” Therapy of Chlorox, Colistin and Chloramphenicol was obviously going to cause a flare of my Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy.”

It’s here where the plot thickened, not unlike the viscosity of her urine.  In a statement to Channel Six Investigates, Dr. BDSM later confirmed her allergies included Colace, Decadron, Cymbalta, Gluten, Thimerosal, Thalidomide, and Lactose.  “It’s like they didn’t even recognize my previous anaphylactic reaction to yogurt.”

Sepsis Bundle Hospital Director of corporate compliance officer, Jacki Kranki-Papr-Werke MS, MMA, RN, released a statement Monday morning at 10:30AM: “It is unfortunate that Ms. BDSM’s severe sepsis was left untreated for so long.  Clearly a sentinal event having lactic acid found in her blood and a clear allergy to lactose on the chart.  We’ll be sure to address that on the emergency department intern Dr. Shytleff’s midyear evaluation, and hopefully call into question whether or not a career in medicine is really for her in the long run.  I don’t know why she even bothers to finish the rotation.”

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