intern physician worth it

“Miracle Cure” for Peripheral Vascular Disease Discovered at Major Academic Center by Medical Intern

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The campus is aflutter with excitement as Dr. H. Simpson, preliminary medical intern extraordinaire, has found the cure for the incurable.  No one in the medical community expected such a major breakthrough from one so early in his career, but at St Mary’s Hospital, Dr. Simpson has thrived and with his attention to details his colleagues are anything but surprised.

intern physician
“Optimistic documentation can cure!”

So far in his illustrious medical career he has saved many lives by initiating rapid blood transfusions on exsanguinating patients who are even on blood thinners like Coumadin, without wasting time on things like vitamin K administration or FFP.

“I just felt they needed the blood faster than anything else. Sure it took 68 units of packed red blood cells to save his life as his INR was 9.3, but I didn’t let that deter me, I’m here to save the patient, that’s the oath I took when I graduated from med school 3 weeks ago.”

With skills and judgment clearly ahead of his level of training, he also is preventing the progression of multiple drug-resistant bacteria by refusing to start unnecessary antibiotics without proven cultures.  “Those surgeons are always writing for the big-gun antibiotics. This one guy with diabetes and a foot infection with streaking cellulitis, they wanted all of these unnecessary medications like vancomycin and Zosyn!  So I ignored the consultants recommendations and started Keflex, because everyone knows that’s the first antibiotic for cellulitis.  They’ll thank me later after they finish his amputation.”

Although these examples are impressive, none top his most recent discovery.  Patient X presented to the hospital for the 5th time in 5 months with multiple organ failure.  He was known to have occluded blood vessels in his legs with chronic wounds, but has always been too ill from uncontrolled COPD and renal failure to undergo revascularization.

Lucky for Patient X, on his most recent admission for respiratory failure Dr. Simpson was the admitting intern.  The physical exam on admission found all of his pulses palpable, with warm feet and no edema and without any wounds.  Throughout his hospital course in the MICU, this amazing physical finding remained stable, with absolutely no change in his magically improved blood supply to his feet.

The MICU team was so impressed with Dr. Simpson and his discovery of the improved medical condition, they have written to the Nobel Foundation to nominate him for curing the ever illusive arterial occlusive disease.  We look forward to what wondrous discoveries he will make next, before he heads off to his residency in pathology.

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