OAKBROOK TERRACE, IL – In a shocking revelation the Joint Commission has released a definitive study of non-expert non-physicians that concludes “the most likely source of hospital-acquired infections may well be the physician butthole.”
“It really makes a lot of sense, if you think about it,” said Joint Commission spokesperson Melanie Harwald. “We were mandating hand-gelling and we completely neglected the fact that the anus is much dirtier than the hands. Now we know why infections haven’t decreased with the institution of disposable plastic yellow gowns. They can’t contain the contamination of the rectum.”
Joint Commission board member Jeffrey Capodorno was ecstatic. “We’ve figured it out!” he said. “Doctors’ anuses harbor so many germs. All it takes is one fart and wham, those germs are all expelled into a patient room. The hands are clean but the rectum is not!”
When asked if he was sure about that theory, Gerardi replied, “Have you ever looked at an anus? It’s so dirty, I mean, who has time to keep wiping until there’s nothing left on the toilet paper?”
In response to the results of the study, the Joint Commission is mandating that physicians on rounds have a complete colon cleanse and sterilization before entering a patient room and in between each patient encounter.
A preliminary pilot study of this new program showed, surprisingly, a drastic decrease in physician “time in room” from a pre-study average of 10 minutes to a during study average of 0 minutes.
When asked if he was concerned about the potential for this regulation to result in physicians refusing to enter patient rooms Capadorno seemed baffled. “If they go in the rooms with clean colons they will be much less likely to spread infections, but if they don’t go in the rooms at all then they definitely can’t spread infections! It’s a win-win!”
When news of the new regulation hit the airwaves, several device companies scrambled to develop and release new portable colon cleansers. Striker is offering a free take home model to orthopods called the chlorhexarectum and, for attending physicians, Striker will send a rep to your home to demonstrate the use of the device.