cpr

Heroic Hospital Administrator Rushes To Dying Patient To Complete Core Measures

BOCA RATON, FL – Hospital administrators across the country are recognizing the heroic efforts of Chlöe Less, Assistant Director of Quality Control at Madre De Díos Hospital, due to her completion of core measures as a patient was receiving CPR. Witnesses report that the star hospital administrator sprung into action when the overhead page “CODE BLUE: ROOM 268!” was announced on the hospital speakers.

“I didn’t even know that hospital administrators could sprint that fast,” exclaimed staff hospitalist Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. “I was already running to code and she blew right by me like Usain Bolt. I mean, she was even faster than a radiologist running away from a coding patient. I thought she was rushing to get the crash cart, but instead she grabbed a clipboard with a checklist and charged into the patient’s room.”

“I was trying to coordinate chest compressions and IV pushes of epinephrine,” continued Dr. Sri-Sheshadariprativadibayankaram. “But she elbowed me out of the way and insisted that we instead administer a flu shot and a pneumovax injection.”

“I couldn’t stand the possibility of this patient ‘falling out’ and the hospital getting ‘dinged’ for failure to complete core measures,” said the tearful Chlöe Less. “That’s why I took command of the patient’s care from that incompetent doctor. I knew I could make the biggest difference in assuring that insignificant hospital criteria are met successfully…before it became…too late” as her voice trailed off.

Besides administration of vaccines to the pulseless patient, the intrepid hospital administrator’s act of bravery also included:

  • checking a lactic acid level, because, you know, like, that’s just what you’re supposed to do.
  • reading smoking cessation education material out loud to counsel the unresponsive patient on the dangers of tobacco use.
  • offering the patient an intravenous Dilaudid push followed by a pain scale assessment, which was then marked “0 out of 10” since the physiologically-dead human did not report any discomfort.

“I mean, what can I say? She’s Chlöe Less. It’s what she does. She’s the true hero in this tragic case,” declared the delighted Hospital CEO Chaz Moneybags. “I know the patient died, and that’s unfortunate. But at least we completed our core measures. That’s the most important thing.”

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  • Dr Pablo Pistola

    Dr Pablo Pistola had become increasingly dissatisfied with satisfaction-based forces in medicine. He felt like a doctor without a purpose. He subsequently embarked on a 7 year twerking quest in the Himalayan foothills to find his true calling. During this journey, he realized that he has a secret talent: his immense knowledge about women. He understands them. Legend has it that he can size up a woman’s soul in a mere instant. He didn’t ask for these powers. But with great powers come great responsibilities. So Dr Pablo Pistola (double-board certified in Love Medicine & Romance Medicine, with fellowship training in Seduction Medicine) has been dabbling in satirical erotic writing. And if satirical erotic writing can offer a viable exit strategy from medicine, then the world will be a better place. His responsibility is to bring the stories of lust to you. He also is an avid life-long Miami Heat fan. Follow him on twitter at @drpablopistola

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