OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA – History was made today, with the unveiling of a new healthcare strategy aimed at bringing Canadian values to the forefront of the country’s healthcare system. Canadian healthcare workers everywhere were thrilled by the news that all hospitals will now be required, by law, to have at least one Tim Hortons coffee shop.
This bold move was based on research that indicates healthcare professionals’ job satisfaction is largely correlated with the proximity of the popular Canadian coffee chain. Most Canadian doctors and nurses will not even consider working in an area where there is no Tim Hortons within a 5-kilometer radius.
The prime minister has also vowed to invest in updating hospital dictation software so that it is more “Canadian friendly.” Specifically, alterations will be made to speech recognition systems in order to accommodate the Canadian pronunciation of the word “about.” Audits of dictated hospital consults and chart notes indicate that the word “about” is often incorrectly transcribed as “a boot” due to differences in Canadian doctors’ pronunciations.
There are also plans to run a public education campaign about the country’s universal “socialized” healthcare system. Politicians were alarmed to learn the results of a national survey, where many Canadians believed “socialized healthcare” meant “those nurses talking over there” and “the reason I can’t get a full-body MRI, just because I think I need one.” It is hoped that the campaign will help Canadians to gain a deeper appreciation for the fact that everyone has equal access to medical services.
Finally, the popular Canadianism “eh?” will now become a legal part of documenting a patient diagnosis. Physicians across the country will be able to embrace Canadian culture by admitting patients using diagnoses such as “pneumonia, eh?” or, “constipation, eh?” If all goes as planned, the government will implement phase two of the Healthcare Canadianization strategy, which will address important issues such as the quality of poutine served in hospital cafeterias, and increasing the number of igloos available for hospital parking.