PORTLAND, OR – Researches at the Triarbridge Pediatric Medical Center in North Portland reported recent findings today from their groundbreaking study which found pediatric pseudoseziures, or unresponsive episodes of psychological or emotional origin in children without a medical cause, could be spontaneously resolved when the affected kids were given environmental exposures such as Labrador retriever puppies, chocolate ice cream, and new video game systems.
“We are still working out the details as to how exactly these items, and others used in the study, terminate these episodes,” said Dr. Mastuvius, lead researcher of the project, “But we are very happy to report a potential cure to this devastating affliction.”
Dr. Mastuvius went on to explain, “Our current leading hypothesis is that these episodes could be halted because of a particular airborne particle common to each of the exposures we used in our study. But when you take things like candy, new dolls, the latest iPhone, or a big snake and you see that these kids immediately snap out of their seizures when those items are brought into their hospital room, it’s very difficult to find some sort of particle that would be similar amongst all of those variables.”
At press time, Dr. Mastuvius was reportedly seen reacting in a very frustrated and confused manner in response to the news that his team found the same pediatric pseudoseizures could be terminated by telling the patients they had won free concert tickets to their favorite artists, apparently debunking the airborne particle theory.