FAYETTEVILLE, AR – After an investigation of epic proportions, Dr. Frank Hare, a second-year urology resident at Fayetteville Hospital, has been found to be responsible for spreading a new strain of scrotum-colonizing bacteria everywhere.
Dr. Hare was indignant. “I don’t understand!” he told GomerBlog. “How do they expect us to waste time putting on gloves? There are too many scrotums to examine and not enough time in the clinic as it is. Next they’ll be telling us not to touch urine bare handed!”
Public health experts began the investigation after two nurses, four patients, and nineteen medical students came down with severe gastroenteritis. Meticulous contact tracing narrowed the source to a cookie jar in a nurse work station. The cookies were sent for culture, and grew the newly-discovered Escherichia scrotalis bacteria. Surprisingly, it was not the public health experts who finally discovered the culprit, but a neurologist, who asked to be identified as “Dr. Detective.”
Dr. Detective investigated by hosting a free breakfast for the urology team. “I poured invisible ink all over the donuts and made sure everyone took some. Then it was just a matter of creeping up on them after clinic with my trusty UV light pen torch to see who hadn’t washed it off.” After narrowing down the suspects, Dr. Detective installed a hidden camera in Dr. Hare’s consulting room.
Footage given to GomerBlog shows Dr. Hare transilluminating a hydrocele and palpating both testes without wearing gloves. He then steps back to think, stroking his bottom lip in deep thought. After seeing the patient out, he pulls out a chocolate bar, eats it, and licks his fingers; all without washing his hands. Dr. Detective followed Dr. Hare and observed him shaking hands with several medical students, who, of course, spread any germs they picked up to every jar, drawer, and tray of free food in the hospital.
“I’m no hero, and I don’t want any reward,” said Dr Detective, “I’m just happy to prove neurologists are truly the Sherlock Holmes of the hospital.” He was arrested for poisoning the urology team and unlawfully filming patients. Dr. Hare was sent for remedial hand washing classes, and told to wear gloves next time.
