LOS ANGELES, CA – A local medical center was evacuated this morning after a Code Brown in the pediatric wing of the hospital quickly evolved into a series of increasingly dire hospital-wide emergencies, including a Code Green, multiple Code Blues, a Code Red, and calls to 911 reporting a suspected biochemical weapon.
First responders arrived at the scene within minutes, followed shortly by SWAT, Bomb Squad, Hazmat, and FBI. According to hospital administrator James A. Odie, investigators have traced the entire incident to a dirty diaper left in an exam room by an unknown party. “We assume it was mistakenly placed there, based just on our hope in humanity that no person could be evil enough to do this intentionally,” said Odie.
There were no confirmed casualties, though scores of victims were treated for traumatic injuries and hypoxia-induced altered mental status. Respiratory technician Elmo Columbus described the smell as “a corpse’s fart lit on fire using napalm and then extinguished with mace. I imagine it’s what hell would smell like if you committed a mortal sin involving the olfactory sense.”
Hospital surveillance videos show a hooded figure exiting the room in question at 8:59 AM. By 9:03 AM, several hospital employees within a 50-meter radius are seen on video sniffing the air and then dropping unconscious to the floor, as the odor spread down hallways and through air vents. In a maddened frenzy, teary-eyed employees searched through garbage bins, restrooms, and even refrigerators.
Code Blues were called over the PA system to request medical assistance. When security officers noticed a yellow haze hovering in the air above the passed out victims, they immediately suspected a dirty bomb and called a Code Green, in accordance with the hospital’s biochemical terrorism protocol. Administrators made the decision to evacuate the hospital and in the ensuing stampedes, 17 people were injured. Somewhere in the bedlam, a defibrillator short-circuited and caused an empty gurney to ignite into flames, prompting a Code Red.
Local SWAT infiltrated the facility and extracted all remaining victims, while the bomb squad dispatched a robot to defuse potential explosive devices. The robot’s fluoropolymer veneer melted upon coming in contact with the dirty diaper, so bomb squad commander Lt. Jorge Bousch ordered it be remotely detonated.
As of press time, the FBI does not believe the diaper was terrorism-related, instead attributing it to “some numbnuts.” Hospital CEO Fillard Millmore explained: “Today’s carnage is unprecedented in our history. But, to point out the silver lining, I’m actually pretty impressed that we were able to hit so many different colored codes today. What did we miss? A pink and a yellow? This might be a new record!”
In all, damage estimates are predicted to top $1.7 million, but the Department of Defense has offered to fully cover the cost in exchange for the remains of the dirty diaper.