SILVER SPRING, MD – In an unprecedented move by the Food & Drug Administration (FDA), Bovie electrocautery has been approved for both incisional and excisional biopsies of both state and federal subtypes of red tape. The federal agency, whose speed is often described as, “glacial,” “tortoise-like,” or “slower than getting an inpatient dermatology consult,” has moved surprisingly swiftly with their approval. Citing an ever-increasing burden of red tape and the recently completed multi-center, prospective, quintuple-blind, randomized study, FDA spokesperson, Mr. D. Nyed, stated, “Electrocautery has been demonstrated to be as safe as traditional methods of cutting red tape.”
While the overwhelming majority of the American College of Surgeons (ACS)) stands behind the move, the ACS expects some push back from their senior leadership, with several octogenarian board members echoing one another, “Nothing cuts red tape like cold steel” and “Don’t **** with the pancreas or red tape.”
While many physician groups have lobbied Congress laboriously in an effort to decrease the amount of red tape involved in all aspects of healthcare, President of the Infectious Disease Society of America, Dr. B. Actroban, has deemed this attempt at source control futile and, with the signature of a second attending physician, has withdrawn care and signed off.
According to an anonymous source, Principal Investigator, Dr. Ira Cutsalotski, from the Polish Institute of Surgery (PIS) has been hard at work on a stapling device that promises to cut and cauterize even larger diameter red tape than the newly-approved electrocautery. Unfortunately by the time of this article’s submission the PIS office was unavailable for further comment.